Friday, May 4, 2012

Well . . . Less than 4 days and then I am home. It never occurred to me how much I was going to miss being with my friends from school. Wednesday night was "Senior Send Off" at S.T.A.N.D (campus ministry) and that was when I got emotional. Even though I am not a senior, I wont be returning next semester. My closest friend here (Alyssa) is a senior and she is someone that I hope to be best friends with one day.

She was the first to introduce herself and she has always invited me out to do things. She has a heart for people and I can see her passion for God. I just love her! Also all the girls from my bible study are such beautiful people. They are loving and sweet and I am sad that I have to leave them. But they are understanding of my situation and I am hoping to see some during the summer.

With school ending, I'm having to put a lot of faith in God with my future and I just want to do whats right and not have other people judge me or criticize me for what I do. I want to please God and that's all that matters. I hope people see that and can understand that's all I want to do. I want to make him proud and I want him to know that I will follow him where ever he leads me.

Pray for continual faith and trust and obedience :) God Bless

Saturday, April 28, 2012

I have to get this out . . .

As of Now

I'm doing just fine
How about you
It seems like you moved on
Yes, I did too
I bet your wondering why
I dropped you do cold
I don't quite understand
How you don't know

Don't you remember the conversation we had
Nights before I dropped your heart from my hand

I wish we had a different ending
than we have now
Can we change this somehow
I know how we are now and our love can't work baby
I want to be wrapped in your arms eternally
But we can't work as of now

Know that I love you
I will never forget you
But we're two different people
You know that's the truth
I know your intentions
can be kind and [so] sweet
But deep in your heart of hearts
You could never handle me

How could you not see the pattern of my actions
You know my desire, I wont force you to have it


Oh, I wish we had a chance
Oh, I won't change what I want
Oh, it's tearin' me up inside
Oh, Oh I wish we could have one more try

C(2x - ad lib.)


I just needed to write this song to get some of my feelings out so I am not keeping them inside. A bunch of girls were talking about their relationships and my ex kept popping in my head. Plus we were watching a movie and it was all about second chances and I started to feel guilt about what I did (cutting him off). I know I needed to do it but my emotions were getting the best of me. SO, the only way I know how to help is to write a song about it. So that is what I did. It makes me feel better and it helps me get back on track! 

10 more days :)

I have 10 more days of school left and I am ready to come home for the summer. I am ready to get some money so I am not so broke :) I do have a lot to do this summer regarding school and work and decisions, etc. It is going to be a summer of pure reliance on God. I need to follow him even closer if I am going to to survive. I'm getting more and more worried about how I am going to do. Whenever I was home (for the past year), I got in trouble and it was not good for my family and myself. I just want to make the right choices and follow what is best.
Like I said, I feel closer than ever with God right now and I don't want to loose that. Every time I am home, I get nervous that Derek will be there. In my head I think about if I ever did run into him, how I would handle it; how he would handle it. I just want to be me and not be so concerned with worldly stuff. I'm on a great road and I see that my future is only going to get better. I'm excited for this journey and I don't need the distractions that will stray me away.
A lot is going on with school and with what my plans will be in the future. I feel like my patience is wearing thin and I know I need to stay positive and not get so stressed about it. My life is in God's hands now and I need to stay on track with being faithful to his timing and his plans for me..
I am reading "Hinds' Feet on High Places"; currently on chapter 8. It is such a good book and here is a quotes that struck my heart
"When you wear the weed of impatience in your heart
instead of the flower Acceptance-with-Joy, you will always
find your enemies get an advantage over you."
That is so true and I am the first one to say that I have witnessed that. We need to be constantly focused on Christ and have our thoughts devoted to him. When we do that, we have no time to feed our minds with the sins of our flesh.
Stay focus and stay faithful, my friends :)

Monday, April 23, 2012

Uncontrolled Passion

For the past few weeks, the intensity of my passion for God is strong. Stronger than I have ever experienced. Like even know, It makes my body tense up because I just want to be in constant praise. There is like a surge of adrenaline that runs through my body. That might sound strange but that's how I feel. I walk with my music constantly playing in my ears and I just want to stop walking, lift my hands and sing praise to God right in the middle of the campus. Man, I cant put it in the right words. It is incredible and I am in love with that feeling. All I want to do is give him praise. Almost every time I listen to a song praising him, I cry or I get choked up. I am overwhelmed with the changes in my life and I want to repay him with my life and with my service I can bring to him. He deserves all my praise. Even now, I am filled with emotion. I want to praise him so badly and spread that love I have with the world everyday I am breathing.
I encourage you to read Psalms 18. This chapter, I feel, relates to how God rescued me. Its a beautiful picture of how we cry out for God in our sinful ways and he comes. He does not love our sin but he wants to be the rescuer of our lives. He wants to lift us up from our valleys and mend us to health. I just love the details of this chapter because it shows Gods mercy, love and compassion for his people even if we seem too broke to to be fixed. It is because of that reason that I want to be in eternal worship with Christ. He deserves my all and that is what I intend to give him!

Sunday, April 22, 2012


Oh this song is so beautiful and all I want to do is praise God . . . I just love this!!! I hope you feel the same way :)

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Facebook . . . NO MORE :)

Well, I decided to deactivate my Facebook. Lately, I have been getting emails and comments from people that are not letting me focus on whats important in life. It got to the point were I almost dreaded opening it up. So once I noticed that, I knew it was not good for me to stay on there. I will miss having contact with people who brought joy in my life and keeping contact with my family but I really need to keep my mind and heart on better things than what I was recently experiencing. So hopefully, I can survive . . . oh of course I will survive!!! haha If I didn't, then that would be a major problem :p

OH and by the way . . . I have only 3 more chapters in "When God Writes Your Love Story" :) :) :) Praise the Lord!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Not Culture Based

Chapter 11 in "When God Writes Your Love Story", had this particular quote that stood out to me:
"To experience a God-written love story, our standards for what we are seeking in a
relationship cannot be determined by our culture. Our standards should be radically higher
than the rest of the world. Not that we are going to be perfect or have a perfect relationship,
but we should be aiming our arrow at the right target---applying the very nature and character
of Jesus Christ in our attitude toward the opposite sex."

Leslie Ludy (co-author) describes a story about how women obviously long for that "Prince Charming" who is supposed to sweep us off our feet. Its something we wanted as little girls and we still strive to have that perfect relationship. If I were to ask you what is the perfect guy you have envisioned for yourself, what would that be? If you are married, think of what they used to be when you were a kid. Leslie uses this examples: treats me like a princess, sensitive, tender, gentle, brave, full of integrity, servant-hearted and honorable.
Who do you think can fill those standards in our lives?
Jesus Christ
I think we feel those desires to have that perfect man in our lives because we cant take the time to notice that God is all of that to us. When we look for a guy to enter into a life-long relationship, we need to focus on Christ-like characteristics because that will ultimately bring us the most joy that God intended for us to experience.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Desiderio Domini

Here are a few lines/quotes from the book that I am reading:

". . . endure the great pain, to find the great gain [singleness]"

"Not without design does God write the music of our lives. Be it ours to learn the tune, and not be dismayed at the 'rests'. They are not to be slurred over, not to be omitted, not to destroy the melody, not to change the keytone. It we look up, God Himself will beat the time for us. With the eye on Him, we shall strike the next note full and clear. If we sadly say to ourselves,'There is no music in a 'rest,' let us not forget 'there is the making of music in it.' The making of music is often a slow and painful process in this life. How patiently God works to teach us! How long He waits for us to learn the lesson!"

"True contentment can only be found in the intimate love relationship with the Lord, not in anything else, including a romantic love story. Singleness can teach us this contentment. In this season, we can learn what it means to have peace and joy in Christ, no matter what our circumstances may be. And in a culture that is always longing for something more, '. . . godliness with contentment is great gain'(1 Tim. 6:6)"

"A true leader must have enough backbone to stand alone - even when the crowd wants to take the easy road home. A true leader cannot be dependent on companionship for his or her security, but must learn to trust in God alone. Singleness can give us this kind of backbone --- courage, confidence, and leadership skills that any effective Christian must learn."

"Amy Grant used to sing, 'I love a lonely day . . . it chases me to You."

"Translated from Latin into modern day English, 'Desiderio Domini' means, "I dearly long to be with my Lord."

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Not me . . . You!

I just had a thought fill my heart and I wanted to share it with you.
You know, all this time with dealing with how I handled the situation with Derek, I think I focused on the wrong thing. That is why I am feeling so bad about how I handled it.
Its not about me.
I cut myself off from him and after I did that I was telling everyone "I did this so I can get better and so I can move on." Which I don't think is necessarily bad but that's not the most important thing to say or focus on! We need to say
"God, I did this for you!"
When I say I did it for me, I am putting my wants first and our wants are always so fickle and they change all of the time but God is constant. He is never changing and he is always here for us. This is what I always said:
"God, I thought I was doing this to help me but its hurting me and I feel bad and I feel guilty."
Did you notice that I referenced myself 6 times? and only God once?
How selfish? My desires in myself need to be focused on the one that is most important and that is our heavenly Father.
 . . . time will heal this heart of mine and confidence of my Glory's light :)

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Pure in Thought

Throughout the past few weeks and months, engaging in things that would affect pure thoughts were easy to maneuver. Trust in God for strength in the aspect of relationships and purity were coming very easily after I allowed him to re control my life! But we fail at times and we think we are invincible after we have reconnected with God.
We indulge our earthly wants with magazines, websites, and especially movies. Films that create this nearly impossible fantasy life of being in a passionate relationship where nothing goes wrong enters our minds and we hope that's our reality. But as for me, I watch that and I want to go back to a relationship where I was happy physically (holding hands, kissing and showing affection) but in my heart, never really brought me peace. That is not the life God wants for us and if we daily rededicate our lives to God and trust in his plan for us, we will have the most fulfilling life we could ever imagine. Trust and patience is what will bring us through times of loneliness. He will provide a life that will benefit his glory and we will see that a life without him . . . is pointless.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Our Actions!

"Most people never realize that the way we live displays in vivid color, for all the world to see, everything from what we believe in to what we worship and bow down to. You can share a message without ever opening your mouth."

I just had dinner with my friend from school (which was AWESOME by the way). We had a great talk about everything (no limitations - very open) and we were talking about our actions being such a vital witness to the world and then I read the book I am currently reading and this quote works perfectly with my conversation with my friend. Its true . . . Actions can speak louder than words!!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Day 21 in my 90 Study

Really cool passage from Beth Moores book:

"But Psalms 46:10 tells us what to do when we're not so sure where we fit in God's action plan. The psalm says, "Cease striving and know that I am God".
Yep. Be still and know it ourselves. Don't default into our past. Don't jump the gun for our future. Just behold and know. Instructions will come when the time is right. In the meantime, just be --- even though being is so much harder than doing, isn't it?"

Like you all know, I stress, that is the killer in my life. I worry about everything and its not very healthy! BUT I have to say, since I have been drawing closer to Christ, I am just going with the flow of life. I'm happy and I am try to stay that way with "riding the wave" of this journey I am on! I am so glad that that's what I am supposed to do. While we are waiting, we feel like we need to do something in order to feel like we are "good Christians". But sometime, God just calls us to wait and live life for him and see where he takes us; what doors he opens.

. . . something else that just popped in my head. You know when you see a movie and there is really intense music to match the intense action? Then all of a sudden, the music just stops! When that music stops, usually its to really get our emotions running with passion or excitement or whatever. It makes our blood flow to its ultimate speed.
When we go through life with all of this stuff going on like the intense music and action, God can bring those moments of rest and stillness in order to build our emotions (like the silence) and bring our attention to something really important he wants to teach us!

I hope this all makes sense because in my head, it totally does! I hope you guys are getting it! haha

What I learned in Bible Study!

Well hello everyone!I don't know if I have told you but I have been going to Tuesday night Bible Studies at school and they have been really good! I went yesterday and we learned about Matthew 7 - Judging Others. Well We were talking about that and I thought of how to apply that to my life. So . . . here is what I learned:
-I care a lot of what others think about me. I want everyone to like me and when I find out that someone is mad at me, I get stress and I want to do everything in my power to fix it. So, with dealing with my ex, knowing how upset and how mad he is at me, I came to this conclusion! When I care about what he thinks of me, I have to remember that he is judging me and my decisions without knowing what I am going through and what the meaning behind my decisions are. During our relationship, he always said "I know you better than you know yourself". So he is thinking that he knows why I stopped talking to him and he is making a judgment about me that is probably (99%) not true.
He has no right to judge me. He does not know what is in my heart and having myself worry about him judging me should not matter.
[I hope this is making sense to everyone because for some reason, it really hit home to me and its making me deal with this really well!]
So anyways, I cant worry about how he feels because that means I am caring about his assumptions about me and they are probably false ones. There is NO NEED to worry! YAY FOR NO WORRYING! lol

Monday, April 2, 2012

I am currently on my 20th day of Beth Moores "John" 90 day study and it's pretty cool how God's timing worked well involving this weeks studies. Right now, I am reading about Jesus death and resurrection and it happens to be the week of Easter! So I just though that was really cool how he worked that out!
In this chapter, it talked about how God died on the cross and about how we handle situations of either death of a loved one or some tragedy. She talks about how Jesus handled it and how we need to go about dealing with it. Even though I have not died physically (obviously), I have died from my old self into a new creation. There is a quote . . . actually 2 quotes I wanted to share from this lesson:
"When death of some kind comes and we are willing to take it to the cross, to remain nearby, and to suffer its grief, we will also experience the resurrection.".
-Something that stood out to my in the line was ". . . and to suffer its grief". I don't know why but I always thought it not OK to grieve in a situation like greiving a lost relationship like I had with my ex. It's OK to grieve and even another line says that guilt is a normal part of it too. Which I definitely have that upon me now. It's a natural part of the healing process that I need to realize that it's OK. Now, I should not sulk in it but I need to go through that and in the end, become victorious!
. . . here is another line from the study:
"And as a child bearing the name of Christ, if a part of you has died, in time it was meant to produce many seeds."
-That line just ties perfectly to the previous book that I read, "Deep unto Deep". Good will come from giving up a sinful life. With laying that old way down, we will become the children of God he calls us to be and spread his love to the unsaved people of this world.

I just got done reading Chapter 4 in the Ludy's book and the way these chapters are broken down (as of now), Eric writes a chapter or two and then Leslie writes some chapters. So this chapter was from Leslie. She wrote a paragraph that I wanted to share with you that really struck with me:
"Sometimes in a relationship, we can be so caught up in our feelings for the other person that we squeeze God into the background. It becomes a confusing, emotional mess, and we wonder why God isn't giving us more direction, when all the while He is there, waiting to be allowed back into first place in our hearts. Only when He is truly in first place are we ready for a God-written love story."
-That is exactly why my ex and I would never work. The word "feelings" is something that girls, in general, are cursed with taking to the extreme. We run on our emotions and don't THINK logically and biblically about what God calls for our love lives. That is something we forget and eventually suffer from. I completely relate to that passage in the book!

I hope you see how your love story needs to be run and if you are not sure, look at God's word and I recommend this book Im reading. Take action and you will be amazed at the adventure Christ takes you one. Even though God has not brought that guy into my life yet, I trust he will and I trust that God will make it a great love story to glorify his name!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

God is so smart!

God knows exactly what to say, when it needs to be said!! haha I have no doubt about that. I was reading chapter 3 in the new book I'm reading and this part stood out to me. Let me just set the scene. Eric Ludy is painting us a picture using the imagery of God opening all the "rooms" of his life to take over and God is about to enter in the room marked "Relationships with the Opposite Sex". Eric is pleading with him to leave that room alone and this is what Eric writes next:

" 'God! Someone may see me looking like an idiot . . . someone who knows I'm also a Christian. You wouldn't want that to happen! That might give You a bad name!'
Have you ever noticed that God never loses a debate? God made it clear to me in His ever-gentle way that if He were concerned about His reputation, He would not have chosen someone like me to represent Him in the first place. And if He were pursuing popularity, he would not have allowed Himself to be hung naked between two thieves on a cross."

That part in the book struck me so hard in my chest, I was in tears. It really tore my heart. I felt like this was God saying "Tiffany, don't worry about how your ex is feeling about you or myself right now. Many hated me and if anyone hates you, rely on me and everything will work out for my glory . . . Just wait and see!" I do believe God has a purpose for everything. I truly do believe that. But my heart is wanting to plead with my ex to follow God. But I know all I can do now is plead with God and give him my hurt and desperation to help my lost friend. Even though my ex and I no longer talk, I care about what happens to him. As tears are falling from my eyes now, I want to pray to God.

"God, I am begging you to show him(my ex) your face. Show him how much he needs you and how much better his life would be if he let you in to take over. I am pleading with you to allow him to see the right way. I want him in heaven praising you and I want him to be truly happy within your boundaries. Please, let him come to you. Please"
. . . . Amen

Saturday, March 31, 2012

"When God Writes Your Love Story"

I just got done with the first 2 chapters of the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I wanted to pick a book that could help me discover what God wants me to pursue in a relationship. With not being experienced, I want to make sure that I find the right guy for God's plan. The only experience I had was not anything to be proud of. I changed, I hurt people, I hurt myself and I hurt God to please this guy I loved. And because of that, I am dealing with it every single day. It's painful and I would never wish that pain on anyone because it truely feels like your heart has collaped. Its unbareable. Like, I wanted to marry this kid. He knew what to say, when to say it and he knew what to do to keep me around. He played my emotions perfectly because of how naive I was in being in a relationship. Little did I know, I was not enough for him. He has issues that I dont totally understand and I dont really want to. Even though he has hurt me, I really don't like talking bad about him because everyone has their issues. Unfortunately, I was mixed up in his and I could not get out. So through multiple times of leaving him and returning to him and wrestling with what God wanted from me, I finally had enough of this roller coaster I was constantly on. He said something to me that proved that he never respected me or really cared enough for me. Um, he purposely did something to hurt me and it was like a light bulb went off. There was no way I was going to continue a relationship or even a friendship with someone who would want to hurt me on purpose. So, I cut every thing off from him. There was no connection I left with him. He did still have a lot of my heart and that I wanted back. I prayed so hard to God to restore me and that is really why I even started this blog. I wanted to feel like I did a year ago. I wanted that passionate, lovestruck relationship with God. Staying with this guy would never allow me to get to that desired place. For the most part, I still love him and I pray for him daily but I am happy to say that I am not IN LOVE with him anymore. The desires of my heart have changed so much, its like a dream that I have been striving for for years!
I cant say that my heart is content with not being in a relationship now. I cant say that if I saw my ex again, I would be able to keep my composer and walk right past him without feeling pain. Because I know for a fact that if I saw him now, I would be a mess. SO, I knew that I needed to focus on what GOD wants from me in order to prepare my heart to ever be in a relationship again. I want that love story he promises us and I do believe he will provide that for me. So please, pray for this part of my journey. It is going to open a lot of doors that I promised myself that I would keep locked and never open them again. Its going to hurt but in the end I believe I will overcome this bondage and be happy in waiting for the man God has prepared for me!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Final Chapter of "Deep unto Deep"

Oh my goodness, PRAISE THE LORD! I have just finished "Deep unto Deep" and I am just blessed with its content!
Something that stood out to me with this final chapter is that we do go through trials and we cant escape it. As for me, when I go through tough times, I go running to God for a "quick fix" and not really realizing that hard times WILL come again. Its funny; we get help for a current rough patch and we get surprised that we have to go through more and more throughout or life. We need to keep reminding ourselves and preparing our hearts for more hurt. Its not easy following God and its not going to be an over night fix. Surrounding ourselves constantly with God is so important and it will help us not get pulled under when we are down.
Christ loves us so much and the purpose of trials is to draw us closer to him so we can celebrate with him. I am just so excited to have him in my life.

These past few weeks have been incredible! I can't even put into words about how amazing I feel because of Christ, my family and friends and the support and love that has been given to me.
I know God is going to use me in big ways; threw my voice and threw the songs I write and threw what I have gone threw in my lifetime. I am blessed to grow so I can serve him and glorify his name to the world :)

The next book I will be reading is called "When God Writes your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. Because most of what I went threw was because of a painful relationship, I wanted to read a book that can help me realize what a Godly relationship is and how we need to enter into it. I'm kind of nervous about it but I feel like it will benefit me and will teach me a lot to prepare my heart for a Godly man to come into the picture. So here we go . . .

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Chapter 11

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
"To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time for war, and a time of peace"

Here is a quote that Dana puts in the book:

"Let me not rush about in movement now that You have restored my ability to move. I want to move with you. When you are still, I am still. When you dance, I dance. When you rush, I rush. But let me never move just for the sake of movement."

I want to make sure that what ever I do in life, it is all for God because he is the control center of my life. I trust his will for me and I want his ways, his timing and his plan to take over my life and my ideas!

Heal the Wound

I have 2 more chapters to read in "Deep unto Deep" and I am just so blessed to God provided the dedication to really learn things about him that I never had before. Yesterday, I was overwhelmed with the changes in my heart. I am just so happy because of the reliance I have now put on Christ!
Anyways, I wanted to share this song that has a special place in my heart. Its called "Heal the Wound"by Point of Grace. I actually sang this song in church a while ago and it has a beautiful message.
We all go through messes in our lives and we get broken. We get hurt and feel abandoned and we feel guilt with things we have done in our lives BUT with those negative things, God WILL take those and flip them around to help us and teach us.
The chorus says "Heal the wound but leave the scares". I never want to forget what I went through. I want to remember the lowest part that I was in so I can appreciate where I am now and know that I never want to go to that dark place again. You cant worry or stress about past mistakes or past hurts. . . moving on and letting go is key to transforming your life to who God wants you to be. Its not easy and it will bring pain but if you stick it out, God WILL bless you! So stay strong and keep moving ahead!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Chapter 9 in "Deep unto Deep"

Today We Thank You from centerlinenewmedia on GodTube.

I wanted to share this video with you because I don't think any of us remembers to thank God for our lives and what goes on in them as much as we should. So I just wanted to take the time to put of this video just thanking him for what he has done for me!

"I free fall with arms spread wide, holding nothing for myself and keeping not the slightest grip of ownership upon my life. My life is not my own. I have been bought with a price. And I have willingly surrendered to my position of hiddeness in Him--hidden with Christ in God."

In the past few days, God has been laying a lot on my heart. In this particular chapter, on this particular day, I have felt more freeing with my faith and I trust a lot more in what God has in store for me. In another part of this book, Dana uses the phrase "drop off" from old ways. I took that as a parallel with blind faith. When I think of "drop off", I go to like base jumping, sky diving or cliff jumping. Being able to trust that you will be alive once you reach the ground sounds like our experience with Christ. Being able to let go of fear and reservation and rely on something you might have doubts on sounds so beautiful to me right now.
But that might be different once we are stuck in dry places but we NEED to keep reminding ourselves that God allows that barren feeling so we can become stronger in our hearts. All the obstacles and challenges he sets in our way is strengthening us and has a purpose! I cant stress that enough! If we focus on all those hard times, that is only going to stress us out. If we draw closer to him, he will make us realize that the drama and the stress we create in our life is unimportant to hang on to. He will redirect our focus on the blessings as significant parts to our journey in life. Trust, Trust, and more TRUST is key!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Chapter 8 in "Deep unto Deep"

This chapter was about communion; being close with God and feeling that connection with him when we think he is so far away. Our lives are meant to crave God instead of earthly cravings. Every time distractions come, we tend to think how WE can handle it but rarely do we cry out for God to take over and that's something we need to train our minds to do. In coming to God when we are struggling, we find our relationship with him stronger and more dependable. His love for us is always in reach. We can find his love when we are on cloud 9 or when we are so down that we cant see the light. His love is always able to be checked out!
I know a lot of times, I felt him so far away and I would ask "Why are you so far away from me when I need you?". But instead of that question, I should have been asking "Are you near?" and HE IS! If you can not sense God's presence near you, you need to evaluate your heart and maybe, it is because your heart is the thing that is far. I can totally relate to that statement! God is never far from us, the only thing that is far from our minds is totally comprehending his plan and all about him. But that is OK because with not understand him fully, that makes us wanting more and that is where we need to be like, desiring God more everyday. Dana explains that we need to ask ourselves why he seems so far away from us. It might seem that way because of our lack of knowledge of him and our doubt that he is near which I totally agree with!
Its all about how we look at our situation. We have to see the positive side and believe that no matter what we go through, God is near and waiting for us to come running to him fully abandoned and ready to follow him completely!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Chapter 7 in "Deep unto Deep"

Before I write about about this chapter I forgot to add something that I read yesterday in my Beth Moore study. She writes:

"He will always has purpose. Sometimes we go out own ways, and God still has mercy on us and shows us something there. Other times we beg Him to allow us to go a certain place and He consents. Still other times God takes us places we never intended to go. Those are places where he will reveal Himself to us in ways we didn't even know He existed."

I just like how she puts that. Anywhere we go in life, he teaches us. He will use it to reveal himself. All plans come out to show who he is in our lives!

Alright, in this chapter in the book, it talks about the barrenness that we can have in our relationship with God. We cant take that place in our lives for granted before he allows us to be there for a reason. He puts distance between us so our love for him can be made knows and that will make us stronger. Dana calls it fasting. In us feeling absent away from Christ, we have to rely more on faith and what we know we will learn to get us through our longing to be close with God. So this chapter for me was kind of a recap of what the book as a whole is trying to achieve.

I am getting so excited to finish this book so I can see what else God wants to teach me through more reading . . . God is just so good :)

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Chapter 6 Meaningful Lines

YAY! I am half way through the book and I am loving it!
But for some reason, this chapter, as a whole, didn't really reach my heart. But there were lines from it that didn't leave my mind until I wrote them down. There are a lot of them but I would encourage you to read them and maybe they will impact you or teach you something. Here they are:

"To know that I am dark yet lovely is to understand my weakness, which is comprised of my sinfulness, my immaturity and my natural limitations together with the revelation of my loveliness to Him."

"When I lie on my bed at night and long for victory in my weak areas, He esteems my longing precious and receives my cry."

"We are far weaker than we realize and far lovelier than we realize, and yet even in our greatest weakness God receives in us more beauty than we can imagine."

"When He[Satan] comes to deceive me into taking pride in my beauty or strength, I respond with the vivid remembrance of my weakness"

"Our loveliness protects us from shame and condemnation, and our weakness keeps us from pride and arrogance."

"The enjoyment of God comes as we fiercely seek to overcome those weak areas of sin and compromise in our lives through the power of His love."

"Even when we fail utterly and stumble miserably in this pursuit, His pleasure over us is not diminished."

"He is not a God of fractions but of fullness."

"It is the one who is in this wholehearted pursuit of Him, fleeing darkness and pursuing light, that He calls lovely."

"We begin to recognize that our loveliness to Him is not based on our success or failure but on His own definition."

"He places dignity and value upon the very reach of our hearts to belong fully to Him. He calls it a 'willing spirit.' He sees tremendous beauty in our choice to move toward Him in the times when we would rather run and hide because of our darkness."

"Open your heart to Me. I know your flesh is weak, but I am moved with love by your willing spirit. The opening of your heart, the very movement toward Me as you are faced with your weakness is most lovely to Me."

"It is a sign of truly comprehending the heart of our Beloved when we reach for His love from the pit of our darkness. When we take this risk, we demonstrate our confidence in the strength of His love and the certainty of His enjoyment. Not until we have exercised this reach will we begin to drink of the deepest wells of salvation."

"We determine our nearness to Him by a false evaluation system and we deny ourselves the gift of what His blood already paid for in redemption. The truth is that He does not receive me nor deny me access to His presence based on my own righteousness but always on the foundation of the cross and redemption. Clothed in His own righteousness, I am given continuous free access to His throne of grace so that I might come boldly before Him with full confidence and complete assurance. I am set free by the blood of Jesus, and I can bring nothing to the table to motivate the heart of God into the response of forgiveness. He desires me by His own self-replenishing love that exists within Himself, unaltered by my response."

"The power of redemption was its glorious ripping away of the veil between the weak and the Great High Priest. He tore the veil in two that I might approach Him freely without hindrance."

"To keep myself at a distance is more than unnecessary; it is sin and one of Satan's most subtle ways of stealing from our hearts. When we do this, we agree with the lie that our weakness is greater than Jesus' work of redemption, and we stand in the way of God Himself by counting our own evaluation of our hearts higher than His. We offer Him no favors to distance ourselves from Him, rather we deny Him the nearness that His blood paid for."

I know that was a lot but I am happy to share them to whoever reads them and I hope one or more of these lines will teach something to you :)

Friday, March 23, 2012

2am Thought

While I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, I started to think of unproductive things. I was starting to think about my Ex, not in a "wanting to get back together with him" way but just thinking about him. I was thinking about his life and how I wish we could have been friends so I could help him. I started to feel guilty about cutting him off because I know he probably hates me for doing so and I pray that he does not put a bad association with Christians because of what I did. I know I can't worry about what he thinks or does because I can't do anything about it. He controls his own mind and no matter what other people do, he has the choice to do whats right and whats wrong.
Anyways, I was struggling to focus on God. I was having selfish thoughts and I was trying to regroup myself and my thoughts but it was hard. So I tried to focus on scripture and I realized that I need to have a group of scripture that can help me with worrying, pleasing others, fear, etc (anything that keeps me in bondage). I was also trying to think of songs that could help me focus and for some reason I just could not do that. With me being in love with music like I am, you can know how frustrating that was.
So my goal for tomorrow (other than homework) is to search for some tools to help me out. I think I really need to focus on lyrics to songs to relate to. Another thing is gather scripture to help me overcome this hurtle I am current trying to jump. So if you have suggestions of verses to help me or particular songs that could help me, please share. Any little encouragement will be greatly appreciated! I love you all dearly :)

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Chapter 5 in "Deep unto Deep"

Dana paints a picture of how important we are to God. As soon as I read it, I could not help but smile because it refers to music. The question came up "How could he desire me above all the others and yet love all the others in the same way he loves me?". The way she explained it as us being many songs in Gods musical heart. Each person has a different song to sing based on history, life experiences and upbringing. Not one person has the EXACT same story. We all show off different parts of his image. He is so complex that everyone is different in his eyes yet they are all extremely important to him and his plan. To know that I can sing my song to him and for him made me feel happy. I would even go as far as to say that it made my passion to sing christian music more intense. If I never get to fulfill my dream as a professional singer, I know that my song will be heard in Christ's ear and that is all that matters!

Another really cool part of this chapter talks about comparing ourselves to other people's journey. We try to see if we are doing OK with how we are living life and if we are doing someone wrong, compared to another persons journey, then we assume we're failing. But Dana uses a statement that really stuck out to me:

"Every season has value, and ever day is a part of bringing me forward into the fullness He has ordained
 for me. I must go my own way because that is the only way. There truly is no option except to lose my way. To take the detour of trying another's path is just that, a detour. My heart was made for my way, and that is the pathway into His heart He has laid out for me."

I don't believe that regretting the path we took is productive. We may not be proud of it BUT we should, in a way, embrace it. We need to use it as a learning experience. I love this particular part in the book because I know I used to compare my life to others but as time went by, I took my past experience as Dana explains. If you look at your life as YOUR "designed" path, you will learn to accept that and take it as a tool to live the rest of your life the way God intends it.

Chapter 4 - "Face to Face with Love"

This chapter in the book I am reading, it talks about growing our desire to fall in love with Christ. Dana brings in the story of Cinderella and how the Prince loves Cinderella no matter who she is, what she looks like or who her family is. No matter what our past looks like, God is in love with us and he desires us to have an intimate relationship with him. In return we need to accept his love and desire more of it. In order to have that growing desire, we need to fill ourselves completely with him. She says "And this is a progressive journey for we can only receive as much as our hearts are enlarged to take in."
An example I thought of was when someone eats. When a person is eating excessively, their stomachs are enlarged and over time, they can take in more food because their stomachs grew and they have a bigger desire to eat. Now I'm in no way saying that overeating is what we need to do. I am simply saying that we need to treat our hearts like the stomach. As we take in Gods love and grow in his word, our hearts will have more capacity to love and to share what we have learned with others.
Something else that this chapter talked about was our willingness to come close with God. That is extremely important to realize. Recently I was talking with a guy that I was interested in but we had a talk about God and I asked this guy if he was involved in a good christian group and he said no. You could just tell how apathetic he was and was not in the state of committing to God. He wanted to just have fun. It clicked in my head that there was no way I could be with him and I could not force him to get close to God so we could try to date. Forcing someone into a situation that they are not wanting to be in is only going to draw them further away and our purpose as believers is to give them advice, love and support. We cant make them feel bad for not doing something. That's not a good witnessing tool. Let them do things when they realize it needs to be done. If they go only for you or for somebody else, its pointless and a strain on them and all they will want to do is run.
So that chapter was really informative for me and I am really enjoying this book. Please go get this book if you have not read it. Dana Candler "Deep unto Deep". It is a challenging read but its totally worth it!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Back in the Groove

Its been way too long since I blogged . . . 2 weeks! Unfortunately, I slacked on blogging as well as my bible studies while I was on spring break. Being back home was great! I did feel temptation to get back to where I was. Even though I'm not perfect, I was proud in the way I thought about how to spend my time and when I felt temptation, I prayed, opened my bible and dove into worship which really helped. I was happy that I was not thinking about my Ex as much as I was expected since I see his house from my bedroom window everyday. I felt a lot less stress and I was glad that God was with me and I really did feel him that week which was comforting!
Well I am back at school and its been going well. I wish I was back home but I am ready to get classes done and get all A's ;)
I have gotten back to doing bible studies which is nice and I feel more complete when doing it :) So all is good on my part!!!
Keep tuning in to my life and my journey and I love you all :)

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Demi Lovato's "Stay Strong"

As you all know, I LOVE TO SING and I love learning more about the singers that I enjoy listening to. One singer that I have grown fond of is Demi Lovato. Short and sweet; she was a Disney star and a musician and to her own surprise, a role model. In doing so she was struggling with not eating, purging, as well as self mutilation. She ended up going into treatment and getting help where she found out that she was bi-polar. Now she is light years better but still struggling with things. Overall, she is stronger to handle the issues now than before. While watching her story, it made me really look at my own life. I have not dealt with purging or being bi-polar but I have dealt with other issues in my life to get through pain, loneliness and anger that are not healthy just like her. In her story, she has come such a long way and I feel like I know exactly what she is going through.
I am not proud of my past but I am proud of where I am today compared to where I was. I wish I could say that I regret everything that happened to me but I cant. I am glad I went through what I did because I would have NEVER learned what I know now. I never intentionally put myself through the ringer but I was allowed to go to that place of terror and pain so I can learn that I hate those places. I know the difference between my highs and lows now because I have been at both of those points. I know now what I can handle and how I should handle those certain situations. Now, I feel great! Like Demi, it is a daily struggle to not go back to where you were but it does get easier everyday. My hope is that one day, I can be 100% free and I think I can . . . I know I can and I believe in myself that I can! I was so naive which was good to an extent but I am glad that I know more now about life and about struggles of this world. I have been through some of them and now I know I can deal with them. I am blessed to be where I am and I know I can share with the world how I am overcoming these demons. That's what I want to do through my music and my lyrics. I want to express what I have been through in my life so people can relate and overcome their own troubles just like I am doing right now :) It is possible to come from the grave of your past and rise to the mountaintops of our future!

Monday, March 5, 2012

Chapter 3 Quotes in "Deep unto Deep"

I wanted to share some really great quotes in the book that I am reading. I hope they mean something to you like that do to me:

"Until we are discontent, we will never find ultimate contentment. Until we are brought out of our spiritual slumber, we will never find the corridor of Love's unfolding"

"It takes God to love God. It takes the power of God on the human heart for the human heart to move in love for God. He is the One who awakens love in our hearts. To seek to describe the journey of the human heart, we must begin with him, for He is forever the Beginning and the End. It never begins with us; he causes love to awaken."

"There is a definite struggle and a certain affliction to this wilderness as we seek to draw near to Him and are confronted with all the clutter and noises in our inner voices succumbing under the lordship of the Voice like many waters. Yet we must not grow faint with discouragement in the delay. We must remain in the stretchings of this conflict of soul and continue to wait for the breaking in of His voice of affection. We must find comfort in the fact that it is for this reason He has brought us to this wilderness; to find the Bridegroom's voice."

These lines in the book struck a chord in my heart and they inspire me to stick through seasons of dryness so I can come out victorious in Christ Jesus!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Chapter 2 in "Deep unto Deep"

Proverbs 2:1-5 says:
"My son, if you receive my words
and treasure up my commandments with you,
making your ear attentive to wisdom
and inclining your heart to understanding;
yes, if you call for insight
and raise your voice for understanding,
if you seek it like silver
and search for it as for hidden treasures,
then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God."

In reading Chapter 2 in "Deep unto Deep", this particular verse stood out to me. If I give my full attention to pursuing God and chase after him to be closer to him, he will honor that and reward my faithfulness. I really hope I can get to that place!! I AM getting there though :)

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Barren Prayer

In the book "Deep unto Deep" that I am reading, I thought this poem was very powerful and I can really relate to it so I wanted to share it with you guys:
"A Prayer of Barrenness"
My heart aches. I love Him, yes, but faintly.
I desire Him, yes, but weakly.
I want Him, true, but waveringly.
Even the pain but lies within
I recognize to be such faint pain,
A mere discomfort next to the heart-wrenching anguish
That grips true lovers
My knowledge is nothing. My wisdom, infancy.
I see nothing as it truly is.
Eternity what is light. This life of earth what is dark.
Stories remain stories. Not sinking deep within my soul,
And scarring me with Divine invasion
Your cross is a picture, Your heaven a fantasy.
Tears are sweet emotions, moved by your sacrifice.
But not the tears of sharing in Your sufferings.
I say Your name so sweetly but do not know its Face.
All I am is far. So distant, so removed.
But you beckon me come.
Yet, my Lord, I am nothing. I have nothing. I know nothing.
When I thought I had something,
It dissolved before Your beauty,
And I was left naked. Possessing nothing.
Poor for words. Empty of all. Needy and alone.
Even so, my Love, call me.
Yes, do not leave me here but beckon me come.
Though I have nothing, though I am only poor,
I cast myself on your unfailing love
Where else would I go?
Whom have I but You?

I think even though we may feel like we are alone on our walk in life and not feeling connection with God, he loves that we stay along side of him even though we dont feel him. Dana from the book says " . . . what we call barren He often calls fruitful; what we call wasteful he often calls well spent." The days we feel like nothing we do will ever get us closer to God, it actually shows our faithfulness to him which he appreciates. Our commitment to him should tower over anything in our lives, over any stuggle that we have. We need faith that he will take care of us and our journey will be beautiful. That is something that I am now, slowly, starting to realize.

Friday, March 2, 2012

New Reading Assignment

Since I finished my last book, I am taking on new challenges. I am going to go through Beth Moores "John: 90 Days with the Beloved Disciple". I am also going to read the book "Deep unto Deep" by Dana Candler. I think doing a bible study as well as reading a good christian book will highly benefit me. If it does get very overwhelming, I think I will just stick with the Beth Moore study book. So please pray for consistency and my commitment. I am excited to see where this takes me and I don't want to ruin this chance to get really close with God.


I DID IT! I actually did it . . . I read a book cover to cover! I am so excited and proud of myself! The book was great and gave good insight on the lies young women believe and the ways we can change to keep those lies out! So now, I am going to start on a new book that Kristen let me borrow called "Deep unto Deep". I really want to finish this book and get something from it. I am starting to enjoy reading (SHOCKER, I KNOW)! Please continue to pray for me that I can keep this up and day by day, become a stronger Christian. Thank you guys so much for your support and prayers. I love you all and I will continue to keep you posted on my spiritual walk :)

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Bye Bye Good Friend . . . See You Later!

I have decided to take a break from facebook. The reason being is that I still feel like everytime I get one, I think about my Ex and I am SO TIRED of that. SO done with feeling in bondage with him.I think its going to benefit me if I take time away from facebook to focus more on God and myself. So please pray for me that I can stick with it and be able to break this funk that my heart it in . . . Wish me luck :)

A Great Method

Yesterday, I was feeling worried that I was going to run back to the way that I didn't want go. I didn't want my Ex to think I was a bad person for doing what I did. Worse, I didn't want him to think that all Christians are bad because of what I have done. So I thought it would have been a good idea to record a video message to him explain my reasoning for doing so. I recorded a few and as I was recording them, I realize that It was making me feel better. I was really going to send one but then I knew that If I sent it, I would immediately regret doing it and I would be worst off. BUT I was so glad to record what I was feeling and actually see myself saying what my heart was feeling. I discovered that it was a great method to calm me down and it was a way for me to tell him how I have been feeling without needed to come in contact with him. Its kind of like closure. So I am SO glad I never sent the videos. After I recorded them, I deleted them and I do feel better. I think it will help me move on past the hurt that I am feeling and the pain that he put me through :) It still hurts but . . . baby steps :) Ill heal in time and I cant wait for that day!!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Will I Fall Again?

I know I just made a big step into changing the way my life was going but I am not going to lie, I'm scared. OK, I don't know if scared is the right word. If I stayed on the "right" path, I know things will work out fine . . . great even. But I know that since I blocked my Ex off my facebook and out of my phone, he is so mad. And that is what kills me. I feel like he is going to spread lies about me and people just don't know EVERYTHING and he will make it out to seem like I am the witch. I feel like after he finds out that I took him out of my life, he is going to run to some girl and mess around with her and I just want that picture out of my head. I should not care what he does but I do all the time. I just want peace in my life but even when I am making the right steps, I still find no peace. I do not want to mess my life up again. Its like a cycle that I go through. I make a big step and then a few days later, it is eating me up inside. I get doubts about what I did and I want to take it back. BUT on the other hand, I know I can't go back and I should not go back. I have been really trying to get more connected with God and my pain goes away for a while but then it comes back and I just want them gone. I don't want to fall back again . . . I want to stay strong. But I cant help but love him. He hurt me on purpose and I hate that but for some stupid reason, I love him and I just want his life to get better so he can come back to me as a strong Christian man. That's what I really want.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Think Again

Last night I wrote this song called "Think Again". Its about my current situation with my Ex. As of today, I have deleted him from my cellphone (blocked his number) and deleted/blocked him from my facebook. There was no way that I would move on from him if he was in my life. Plus yesturday I found out information that did not make me worth keeping in my life. So anyways, this song is describing what I am feeling. Here are the lyrics:

Think Again
Who do you think you are
You broke into my heart
and then you took control
But then their you go
You steal my heart and soul
and choose to tie it up in knots

Oh O Oh, Oh O Oh, their you go
Oh O Oh, Oh O Oh

Think again, you will never again
get my heart, no no
Think again, you wont win my heart
ever again, ever again, again

Why would you tell me lies
Just to get a rise
That will burn my fire, hotter and hotter
Come a step closer
Promise I wont bit ya
I'll just give what you deserve



Baby you, get a clue
your nothing to me anymore
You want me around
Oh you better back down, honey
Cause I'll kick your face to the ground


Friday, February 24, 2012

What should I do?!

I don't know what to do. This whole school thing is really taking a toll on me. I like the fact that I have a chance to learn things even though it seems like I am not. Like you would expect, I am only learning stuff that involves music. I have picked up stuff in all of my classes but not enough to really excel in them. I had my economics exam that I thought I new the information and did decant on the exam BUT I got a D . . . are you kidding me?! I have studied harder then I have ever done in my life this semester and all I have to show for is a D?! Man, I hate that. I feel so stupid for even trying! As I am crying, I really don't see myself being a college girl. I never have and I don't think I will never see the day i graduate from a 4 year college. And its all not just academics. Its the social aspect too! I hope this will go away but if I get my other 2 exam grades back and I bombed them like my economics test, I don't know what I'm going to do! This has never really entered my mind before BUT lately it has. I know I would not make any rash decisions because of multiple reasons but here is whats been on my mind. . . CALIFORNIA. For the past week, every morning I have woke up thinking about California and every night the last thought is California (and of course music haha). I don't know why! I want to move there more than Tennessee . . . Didn't think I would ever say that! Anyway, I have been praying about it and even though I am in a rut with God, pray is really the only place I can run to. I want God to allow is purpose in my life to shine though and if the opportunity ever comes up to live there . . . I am going to take it! I miss working at Kohls. I think I liked it there because I just did so well and I enjoyed it there! I don't know why I am feeling like this but I'm going to let all that marinate and let it go where it goes. Maybe . . . Actually, I am not going to say it yet lol All I know is that I am doubting this college thing. Prayers, Advice, Suggestions anyone?!?!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

No More

I don't know why I am having a hard time with writing this. . . I think I'm extremely frustrated, hurt, let down and just done with how I get treated by people. Lately I hate being over looked and I hate putting myself out there to be ignored. I decided to attend the bible study here on campus and it was a disaster. No one acknowledged I was there and went on with their regular friends. They made no effort to get to know me and I was the only new person there out of 13-15 people. Being new most of my life has made it clear that being new is extremely tough, especially when you don't know how other people will react to you when you decided to be the first to say hi. How will you know they will want to talk to you. I have recently realized that no one anymore wants to make serious connections with someone new. They are way too comfortable with their normal surroundings and they leave behind the scared ones to fend for themselves in a unfamiliar place. I am sure people will say that its not true but it is. I have lived it, I have experienced it and I have been hurt by it. Today was the last straw. I will not do it again, its way to painful to constantly put myself out to just be pushed away. It makes you doubt who you are. You think "What am I doing wrong?", "Do I look bad?", "Why don't they want to talk to me?". No one should feel like that because it breaks your heart. All you can think to do is cry and beg God for relief. I hate to say it but I feel like God is playing with my emotions. I want this to stop because its gone on way too long and I don't feel ANY benefit from it. I now feel like any good thing that goes on is just coincidence and not really from God. I don't want to feel like that but I currently do. Hope is starting to slip away and that scares me. I never want hope to fleet from my heart but I feel hopeless, lost, annoyed . . . so many things that I don't want to handle anymore. I feel in constant battle with the world and God and I'm starting to loose that fight and just want to live my life and take a break from God . . . Man I hate reading that but I'm lost and in a ditch and cant get out. I'm tired of climbing . . . I need hands to save me.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I Just Do Not Get It

I try not to think that people in this world are selfish, inconsiderate and liars. But its been proven in my life that a lot of people can be like that. Now, its obvious that not everyone is because I know a lot of people in my life that are givers, compassionate, loving etc. But I just do not get the ones that keep setting you up just to bring you down and make you feel like dirt under their feet, trampling all over you like you don't matter. I do matter. EVERYONE matters! Most of the time though, I feel like that dirt. So, if your reading this, I beg of you to always think about what you do to people that you don't think could be really hurtful because you might not know how they are and how they will handle it. They might feel rejected, hurt, insignificant and there is not good that comes from making people feel like that. Out of the 24 hours in your day, all it takes is 1 minute to:
-Tell someone you love them
-Tell someone you are thinking of them
-Let them know that you can not meet with them so they are not waiting for you
Try to make good decisions and not think about YOU and think about how OTHERS feel and what they may be going through. Your one good act could make their day turn from painful to pleasant!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Retraining my Mind

I had the privilege to leave college this past weekend and head home for my 22nd birthday. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a weekend full of bad events, some poor decisions and pain in my heart and pain in relationships with people I love. I ended up having conversations that brought of past situations that is still not healed. I put up a wall that I wanted to hide behind in shame, guilt and confusion. I was and still am not ready to fix whats going on for several reasons. One being that I'm not really feeling in my heart that some things I do are wrong. I don't feel conviction. Another reason is plain and simple: I don't know how to fix it. Well . . I guess its not all that simple. If it was, I would be fixed and obviously, I am still struggling. I know the ultimate cure is Christ but HOW do I get to that place? What are the steps? I try to read and get acquainted with him but I never feel a strong connection like I used to. Its fallen flat but I desire a deep relationship and I know God has BIG things for me to do here on earth! 
I am reading this book by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Dannah Gresh called "Lies Young Women Believe and the Truth that Set them Free". Its an amazing book and I encourage all women to pick it up. The basic summery of this book is dealing with lies that the world is telling women and it's all about breaking that bondage and commit our lives to the truth of God. I just got done reading the 2nd chapter and something stood out to me. It talks about retraining our minds to not fall into the lies we are prone to in today's societies. A big lie I have believed is that I am alone. Through my past, ever since I can remember, I have had fear of being alone. I try to please everyone and forget about myself. When people don't return the love that I try to show them, I feel abandoned and that causes so much hurt in my life. As of this current moment, I'm really struggling with that. I am finding ways to deal with it that might not be the best ways. Instead of turning to earthly desires, I have not FULLY turned to the heavenly one. So in the next few months I want to record how I'm doing so if you are reading this, Please pray for me and this journey that I am going on because its hard and at times, i don't know if I can do it anymore. So please be my accountability partners and surround me with support.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

God has really been working in my life. Now, it might not be visible to everyone but I can feel a change in my heart. Honestly, its not a big change but its coming along, in babysteps. Dont you wish that it could be instant, the change? Dont you just wish that your bad day could last 24 hours and then the next morning, you forget about it and move on and you are just happy? Unfortunatly, life does not work like that. GOD does not work like that. I believe we go through the process so we can either:
a: learn from the mistake we made that day
b:learn more about ourselves and the people involved
c:define our relationship with Christ
To be honest most of the time, I dont care about any of those because im hurting. Its no fun being in pain, especially when you dont know how long it will take you to heal. BUT we need to believe in blind faith; not knowing is the process that will make us stronger people and will ultimatly bring us closer to God. Believing in a God that you can not physically see but his works are, is what can change lives. Our lives will improve in such a way, we wont even realize it until the future when we look back and say "Wow, I got through that and look at me now . . . Im such a better person because of it". Thats why I believe we are allowed to go through pain and hardships. Just believing is all it takes. God I hope that through hard times that I am currently facing and will face, you will prevail!

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure we will get what we hope for. It is being sure of what we cannot see."