Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Will I Fall Again?

I know I just made a big step into changing the way my life was going but I am not going to lie, I'm scared. OK, I don't know if scared is the right word. If I stayed on the "right" path, I know things will work out fine . . . great even. But I know that since I blocked my Ex off my facebook and out of my phone, he is so mad. And that is what kills me. I feel like he is going to spread lies about me and people just don't know EVERYTHING and he will make it out to seem like I am the witch. I feel like after he finds out that I took him out of my life, he is going to run to some girl and mess around with her and I just want that picture out of my head. I should not care what he does but I do all the time. I just want peace in my life but even when I am making the right steps, I still find no peace. I do not want to mess my life up again. Its like a cycle that I go through. I make a big step and then a few days later, it is eating me up inside. I get doubts about what I did and I want to take it back. BUT on the other hand, I know I can't go back and I should not go back. I have been really trying to get more connected with God and my pain goes away for a while but then it comes back and I just want them gone. I don't want to fall back again . . . I want to stay strong. But I cant help but love him. He hurt me on purpose and I hate that but for some stupid reason, I love him and I just want his life to get better so he can come back to me as a strong Christian man. That's what I really want.


  1. I say this in all love...this lack of peace is a result of you going against God's best for you. Now that you are refocusing and placing God first again you are feeling the pain of your sin. Take that as a reminder that although life will never be easy and without heartache you will be spared from much if you walk in obedience. You can't control Derek and right now your heart needs to be enraptured with God more than you are for Derek. Give God time to move, teach, and grow you. His love is far better than any human love you will ever experience. Let me tell you now that no relationship, not even marriage is supposed to make you feel complete. That can only be found in Christ.