Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I don't know why I am having a hard time with writing this. . . I think I'm extremely frustrated, hurt, let down and just done with how I get treated by people. Lately I hate being over looked and I hate putting myself out there to be ignored. I decided to attend the bible study here on campus and it was a disaster. No one acknowledged I was there and went on with their regular friends. They made no effort to get to know me and I was the only new person there out of 13-15 people. Being new most of my life has made it clear that being new is extremely tough, especially when you don't know how other people will react to you when you decided to be the first to say hi. How will you know they will want to talk to you. I have recently realized that no one anymore wants to make serious connections with someone new. They are way too comfortable with their normal surroundings and they leave behind the scared ones to fend for themselves in a unfamiliar place. I am sure people will say that its not true but it is. I have lived it, I have experienced it and I have been hurt by it. Today was the last straw. I will not do it again, its way to painful to constantly put myself out to just be pushed away. It makes you doubt who you are. You think "What am I doing wrong?", "Do I look bad?", "Why don't they want to talk to me?". No one should feel like that because it breaks your heart. All you can think to do is cry and beg God for relief. I hate to say it but I feel like God is playing with my emotions. I want this to stop because its gone on way too long and I don't feel ANY benefit from it. I now feel like any good thing that goes on is just coincidence and not really from God. I don't want to feel like that but I currently do. Hope is starting to slip away and that scares me. I never want hope to fleet from my heart but I feel hopeless, lost, annoyed . . . so many things that I don't want to handle anymore. I feel in constant battle with the world and God and I'm starting to loose that fight and just want to live my life and take a break from God . . . Man I hate reading that but I'm lost and in a ditch and cant get out. I'm tired of climbing . . . I need hands to save me.