Bye Bye Good Friend . . . See You Later!

I have decided to take a break from facebook. The reason being is that I still feel like everytime I get one, I think about my Ex and I am SO TIRED of that. SO done with feeling in bondage with him.I think its going to benefit me if I take time away from facebook to focus more on God and myself. So please pray for me that I can stick with it and be able to break this funk that my heart it in . . . Wish me luck :)

A Great Method

Yesterday, I was feeling worried that I was going to run back to the way that I didn't want go. I didn't want my Ex to think I was a bad person for doing what I did. Worse, I didn't want him to think that all Christians are bad because of what I have done. So I thought it would have been a good idea to record a video message to him explain my reasoning for doing so. I recorded a few and as I was recording them, I realize that It was making me feel better. I was really going to send one but then I knew that If I sent it, I would immediately regret doing it and I would be worst off. BUT I was so glad to record what I was feeling and actually see myself saying what my heart was feeling. I discovered that it was a great method to calm me down and it was a way for me to tell him how I have been feeling without needed to come in contact with him. Its kind of like closure. So I am SO glad I never sent the videos. After I recorded them, I deleted them and I do feel better. I think it will help me move on past the hurt that I am feeling and the pain that he put me through :) It still hurts but . . . baby steps :) Ill heal in time and I cant wait for that day!!

Will I Fall Again?

I know I just made a big step into changing the way my life was going but I am not going to lie, I'm scared. OK, I don't know if scared is the right word. If I stayed on the "right" path, I know things will work out fine . . . great even. But I know that since I blocked my Ex off my facebook and out of my phone, he is so mad. And that is what kills me. I feel like he is going to spread lies about me and people just don't know EVERYTHING and he will make it out to seem like I am the witch. I feel like after he finds out that I took him out of my life, he is going to run to some girl and mess around with her and I just want that picture out of my head. I should not care what he does but I do all the time. I just want peace in my life but even when I am making the right steps, I still find no peace. I do not want to mess my life up again. Its like a cycle that I go through. I make a big step and then a few days later, it is eating me up inside. I get doubts about what I did and I want to take it back. BUT on the other hand, I know I can't go back and I should not go back. I have been really trying to get more connected with God and my pain goes away for a while but then it comes back and I just want them gone. I don't want to fall back again . . . I want to stay strong. But I cant help but love him. He hurt me on purpose and I hate that but for some stupid reason, I love him and I just want his life to get better so he can come back to me as a strong Christian man. That's what I really want.

Think Again

Last night I wrote this song called "Think Again". Its about my current situation with my Ex. As of today, I have deleted him from my cellphone (blocked his number) and deleted/blocked him from my facebook. There was no way that I would move on from him if he was in my life. Plus yesturday I found out information that did not make me worth keeping in my life. So anyways, this song is describing what I am feeling. Here are the lyrics:

Think Again

V1

Who do you think you are

You broke into my heart

and then you took control

But then their you go

You steal my heart and soul

and choose to tie it up in knots

B

Oh O Oh, Oh O Oh, their you go

Oh O Oh, Oh O Oh

C

Think again, you will never again

get my heart, no no

Think again, you wont win my heart

ever again, ever again, again

V2

Why would you tell me lies

Just to get a rise

That will burn my fire, hotter and hotter

Come a step closer

Promise I wont bit ya

I'll just give what you deserve

B

C

T

Baby you, get a clue

your nothing to me anymore

You want me around

Oh you better back down, honey

Cause I'll kick your face to the ground

C(2x)

What should I do?!

I don't know what to do. This whole school thing is really taking a toll on me. I like the fact that I have a chance to learn things even though it seems like I am not. Like you would expect, I am only learning stuff that involves music. I have picked up stuff in all of my classes but not enough to really excel in them. I had my economics exam that I thought I new the information and did decant on the exam BUT I got a D . . . are you kidding me?! I have studied harder then I have ever done in my life this semester and all I have to show for is a D?! Man, I hate that. I feel so stupid for even trying! As I am crying, I really don't see myself being a college girl. I never have and I don't think I will never see the day i graduate from a 4 year college. And its all not just academics. Its the social aspect too! I hope this will go away but if I get my other 2 exam grades back and I bombed them like my economics test, I don't know what I'm going to do! This has never really entered my mind before BUT lately it has. I know I would not make any rash decisions because of multiple reasons but here is whats been on my mind. . . CALIFORNIA. For the past week, every morning I have woke up thinking about California and every night the last thought is California (and of course music haha). I don't know why! I want to move there more than Tennessee . . . Didn't think I would ever say that! Anyway, I have been praying about it and even though I am in a rut with God, pray is really the only place I can run to. I want God to allow is purpose in my life to shine though and if the opportunity ever comes up to live there . . . I am going to take it! I miss working at Kohls. I think I liked it there because I just did so well and I enjoyed it there! I don't know why I am feeling like this but I'm going to let all that marinate and let it go where it goes. Maybe . . . Actually, I am not going to say it yet lol All I know is that I am doubting this college thing. Prayers, Advice, Suggestions anyone?!?!

No More

I don't know why I am having a hard time with writing this. . . I think I'm extremely frustrated, hurt, let down and just done with how I get treated by people. Lately I hate being over looked and I hate putting myself out there to be ignored. I decided to attend the bible study here on campus and it was a disaster. No one acknowledged I was there and went on with their regular friends. They made no effort to get to know me and I was the only new person there out of 13-15 people. Being new most of my life has made it clear that being new is extremely tough, especially when you don't know how other people will react to you when you decided to be the first to say hi. How will you know they will want to talk to you. I have recently realized that no one anymore wants to make serious connections with someone new. They are way too comfortable with their normal surroundings and they leave behind the scared ones to fend for themselves in a unfamiliar place. I am sure people will say that its not true but it is. I have lived it, I have experienced it and I have been hurt by it. Today was the last straw. I will not do it again, its way to painful to constantly put myself out to just be pushed away. It makes you doubt who you are. You think "What am I doing wrong?", "Do I look bad?", "Why don't they want to talk to me?". No one should feel like that because it breaks your heart. All you can think to do is cry and beg God for relief. I hate to say it but I feel like God is playing with my emotions. I want this to stop because its gone on way too long and I don't feel ANY benefit from it. I now feel like any good thing that goes on is just coincidence and not really from God. I don't want to feel like that but I currently do. Hope is starting to slip away and that scares me. I never want hope to fleet from my heart but I feel hopeless, lost, annoyed . . . so many things that I don't want to handle anymore. I feel in constant battle with the world and God and I'm starting to loose that fight and just want to live my life and take a break from God . . . Man I hate reading that but I'm lost and in a ditch and cant get out. I'm tired of climbing . . . I need hands to save me.

I Just Do Not Get It

I try not to think that people in this world are selfish, inconsiderate and liars. But its been proven in my life that a lot of people can be like that. Now, its obvious that not everyone is because I know a lot of people in my life that are givers, compassionate, loving etc. But I just do not get the ones that keep setting you up just to bring you down and make you feel like dirt under their feet, trampling all over you like you don't matter. I do matter. EVERYONE matters! Most of the time though, I feel like that dirt. So, if your reading this, I beg of you to always think about what you do to people that you don't think could be really hurtful because you might not know how they are and how they will handle it. They might feel rejected, hurt, insignificant and there is not good that comes from making people feel like that. Out of the 24 hours in your day, all it takes is 1 minute to:
-Tell someone you love them
-Tell someone you are thinking of them
-Let them know that you can not meet with them so they are not waiting for you
Try to make good decisions and not think about YOU and think about how OTHERS feel and what they may be going through. Your one good act could make their day turn from painful to pleasant!

Retraining my Mind

I had the privilege to leave college this past weekend and head home for my 22nd birthday. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a weekend full of bad events, some poor decisions and pain in my heart and pain in relationships with people I love. I ended up having conversations that brought of past situations that is still not healed. I put up a wall that I wanted to hide behind in shame, guilt and confusion. I was and still am not ready to fix whats going on for several reasons. One being that I'm not really feeling in my heart that some things I do are wrong. I don't feel conviction. Another reason is plain and simple: I don't know how to fix it. Well . . I guess its not all that simple. If it was, I would be fixed and obviously, I am still struggling. I know the ultimate cure is Christ but HOW do I get to that place? What are the steps? I try to read and get acquainted with him but I never feel a strong connection like I used to. Its fallen flat but I desire a deep relationship and I know God has BIG things for me to do here on earth! 
I am reading this book by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Dannah Gresh called "Lies Young Women Believe and the Truth that Set them Free". Its an amazing book and I encourage all women to pick it up. The basic summery of this book is dealing with lies that the world is telling women and it's all about breaking that bondage and commit our lives to the truth of God. I just got done reading the 2nd chapter and something stood out to me. It talks about retraining our minds to not fall into the lies we are prone to in today's societies. A big lie I have believed is that I am alone. Through my past, ever since I can remember, I have had fear of being alone. I try to please everyone and forget about myself. When people don't return the love that I try to show them, I feel abandoned and that causes so much hurt in my life. As of this current moment, I'm really struggling with that. I am finding ways to deal with it that might not be the best ways. Instead of turning to earthly desires, I have not FULLY turned to the heavenly one. So in the next few months I want to record how I'm doing so if you are reading this, Please pray for me and this journey that I am going on because its hard and at times, i don't know if I can do it anymore. So please be my accountability partners and surround me with support.

God has really been working in my life. Now, it might not be visible to everyone but I can feel a change in my heart. Honestly, its not a big change but its coming along, in babysteps. Dont you wish that it could be instant, the change? Dont you just wish that your bad day could last 24 hours and then the next morning, you forget about it and move on and you are just happy? Unfortunatly, life does not work like that. GOD does not work like that. I believe we go through the process so we can either:
a: learn from the mistake we made that day
b:learn more about ourselves and the people involved
c:define our relationship with Christ
To be honest most of the time, I dont care about any of those because im hurting. Its no fun being in pain, especially when you dont know how long it will take you to heal. BUT we need to believe in blind faith; not knowing is the process that will make us stronger people and will ultimatly bring us closer to God. Believing in a God that you can not physically see but his works are, is what can change lives. Our lives will improve in such a way, we wont even realize it until the future when we look back and say "Wow, I got through that and look at me now . . . Im such a better person because of it". Thats why I believe we are allowed to go through pain and hardships. Just believing is all it takes. God I hope that through hard times that I am currently facing and will face, you will prevail!

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure we will get what we hope for. It is being sure of what we cannot see."