I just got done with the first 2 chapters of the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I wanted to pick a book that could help me discover what God wants me to pursue in a relationship. With not being experienced, I want to make sure that I find the right guy for God's plan. The only experience I had was not anything to be proud of. I changed, I hurt people, I hurt myself and I hurt God to please this guy I loved. And because of that, I am dealing with it every single day. It's painful and I would never wish that pain on anyone because it truely feels like your heart has collaped. Its unbareable. Like, I wanted to marry this kid. He knew what to say, when to say it and he knew what to do to keep me around. He played my emotions perfectly because of how naive I was in being in a relationship. Little did I know, I was not enough for him. He has issues that I dont totally understand and I dont really want to. Even though he has hurt me, I really don't like talking bad about him because everyone has their issues. Unfortunately, I was mixed up in his and I could not get out. So through multiple times of leaving him and returning to him and wrestling with what God wanted from me, I finally had enough of this roller coaster I was constantly on. He said something to me that proved that he never respected me or really cared enough for me. Um, he purposely did something to hurt me and it was like a light bulb went off. There was no way I was going to continue a relationship or even a friendship with someone who would want to hurt me on purpose. So, I cut every thing off from him. There was no connection I left with him. He did still have a lot of my heart and that I wanted back. I prayed so hard to God to restore me and that is really why I even started this blog. I wanted to feel like I did a year ago. I wanted that passionate, lovestruck relationship with God. Staying with this guy would never allow me to get to that desired place. For the most part, I still love him and I pray for him daily but I am happy to say that I am not IN LOVE with him anymore. The desires of my heart have changed so much, its like a dream that I have been striving for for years!
I cant say that my heart is content with not being in a relationship now. I cant say that if I saw my ex again, I would be able to keep my composer and walk right past him without feeling pain. Because I know for a fact that if I saw him now, I would be a mess. SO, I knew that I needed to focus on what GOD wants from me in order to prepare my heart to ever be in a relationship again. I want that love story he promises us and I do believe he will provide that for me. So please, pray for this part of my journey. It is going to open a lot of doors that I promised myself that I would keep locked and never open them again. Its going to hurt but in the end I believe I will overcome this bondage and be happy in waiting for the man God has prepared for me!