I had the privilege to leave college this past weekend and head home for my 22nd birthday. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a weekend full of bad events, some poor decisions and pain in my heart and pain in relationships with people I love. I ended up having conversations that brought of past situations that is still not healed. I put up a wall that I wanted to hide behind in shame, guilt and confusion. I was and still am not ready to fix whats going on for several reasons. One being that I'm not really feeling in my heart that some things I do are wrong. I don't feel conviction. Another reason is plain and simple: I don't know how to fix it. Well . . I guess its not all that simple. If it was, I would be fixed and obviously, I am still struggling. I know the ultimate cure is Christ but HOW do I get to that place? What are the steps? I try to read and get acquainted with him but I never feel a strong connection like I used to. Its fallen flat but I desire a deep relationship and I know God has BIG things for me to do here on earth!
I am reading this book by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Dannah Gresh called "Lies Young Women Believe and the Truth that Set them Free". Its an amazing book and I encourage all women to pick it up. The basic summery of this book is dealing with lies that the world is telling women and it's all about breaking that bondage and commit our lives to the truth of God. I just got done reading the 2nd chapter and something stood out to me. It talks about retraining our minds to not fall into the lies we are prone to in today's societies. A big lie I have believed is that I am alone. Through my past, ever since I can remember, I have had fear of being alone. I try to please everyone and forget about myself. When people don't return the love that I try to show them, I feel abandoned and that causes so much hurt in my life. As of this current moment, I'm really struggling with that. I am finding ways to deal with it that might not be the best ways. Instead of turning to earthly desires, I have not FULLY turned to the heavenly one. So in the next few months I want to record how I'm doing so if you are reading this, Please pray for me and this journey that I am going on because its hard and at times, i don't know if I can do it anymore. So please be my accountability partners and surround me with support.