"When God Writes Your Love Story"

I just got done with the first 2 chapters of the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I wanted to pick a book that could help me discover what God wants me to pursue in a relationship. With not being experienced, I want to make sure that I find the right guy for God's plan. The only experience I had was not anything to be proud of. I changed, I hurt people, I hurt myself and I hurt God to please this guy I loved. And because of that, I am dealing with it every single day. It's painful and I would never wish that pain on anyone because it truely feels like your heart has collaped. Its unbareable. Like, I wanted to marry this kid. He knew what to say, when to say it and he knew what to do to keep me around. He played my emotions perfectly because of how naive I was in being in a relationship. Little did I know, I was not enough for him. He has issues that I dont totally understand and I dont really want to. Even though he has hurt me, I really don't like talking bad about him because everyone has their issues. Unfortunately, I was mixed up in his and I could not get out. So through multiple times of leaving him and returning to him and wrestling with what God wanted from me, I finally had enough of this roller coaster I was constantly on. He said something to me that proved that he never respected me or really cared enough for me. Um, he purposely did something to hurt me and it was like a light bulb went off. There was no way I was going to continue a relationship or even a friendship with someone who would want to hurt me on purpose. So, I cut every thing off from him. There was no connection I left with him. He did still have a lot of my heart and that I wanted back. I prayed so hard to God to restore me and that is really why I even started this blog. I wanted to feel like I did a year ago. I wanted that passionate, lovestruck relationship with God. Staying with this guy would never allow me to get to that desired place. For the most part, I still love him and I pray for him daily but I am happy to say that I am not IN LOVE with him anymore. The desires of my heart have changed so much, its like a dream that I have been striving for for years!
I cant say that my heart is content with not being in a relationship now. I cant say that if I saw my ex again, I would be able to keep my composer and walk right past him without feeling pain. Because I know for a fact that if I saw him now, I would be a mess. SO, I knew that I needed to focus on what GOD wants from me in order to prepare my heart to ever be in a relationship again. I want that love story he promises us and I do believe he will provide that for me. So please, pray for this part of my journey. It is going to open a lot of doors that I promised myself that I would keep locked and never open them again. Its going to hurt but in the end I believe I will overcome this bondage and be happy in waiting for the man God has prepared for me!

Final Chapter of "Deep unto Deep"

Oh my goodness, PRAISE THE LORD! I have just finished "Deep unto Deep" and I am just blessed with its content!
Something that stood out to me with this final chapter is that we do go through trials and we cant escape it. As for me, when I go through tough times, I go running to God for a "quick fix" and not really realizing that hard times WILL come again. Its funny; we get help for a current rough patch and we get surprised that we have to go through more and more throughout or life. We need to keep reminding ourselves and preparing our hearts for more hurt. Its not easy following God and its not going to be an over night fix. Surrounding ourselves constantly with God is so important and it will help us not get pulled under when we are down.
Christ loves us so much and the purpose of trials is to draw us closer to him so we can celebrate with him. I am just so excited to have him in my life.

These past few weeks have been incredible! I can't even put into words about how amazing I feel because of Christ, my family and friends and the support and love that has been given to me.
I know God is going to use me in big ways; threw my voice and threw the songs I write and threw what I have gone threw in my lifetime. I am blessed to grow so I can serve him and glorify his name to the world :)

The next book I will be reading is called "When God Writes your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. Because most of what I went threw was because of a painful relationship, I wanted to read a book that can help me realize what a Godly relationship is and how we need to enter into it. I'm kind of nervous about it but I feel like it will benefit me and will teach me a lot to prepare my heart for a Godly man to come into the picture. So here we go . . .

Chapter 11

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

"To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time for war, and a time of peace"

Here is a quote that Dana puts in the book:

"Let me not rush about in movement now that You have restored my ability to move. I want to move with you. When you are still, I am still. When you dance, I dance. When you rush, I rush. But let me never move just for the sake of movement."

I want to make sure that what ever I do in life, it is all for God because he is the control center of my life. I trust his will for me and I want his ways, his timing and his plan to take over my life and my ideas!



Heal the Wound

I have 2 more chapters to read in "Deep unto Deep" and I am just so blessed to God provided the dedication to really learn things about him that I never had before. Yesterday, I was overwhelmed with the changes in my heart. I am just so happy because of the reliance I have now put on Christ!
Anyways, I wanted to share this song that has a special place in my heart. Its called "Heal the Wound"by Point of Grace. I actually sang this song in church a while ago and it has a beautiful message.
We all go through messes in our lives and we get broken. We get hurt and feel abandoned and we feel guilt with things we have done in our lives BUT with those negative things, God WILL take those and flip them around to help us and teach us.
The chorus says "Heal the wound but leave the scares". I never want to forget what I went through. I want to remember the lowest part that I was in so I can appreciate where I am now and know that I never want to go to that dark place again. You cant worry or stress about past mistakes or past hurts. . . moving on and letting go is key to transforming your life to who God wants you to be. Its not easy and it will bring pain but if you stick it out, God WILL bless you! So stay strong and keep moving ahead!

Chapter 9 in "Deep unto Deep"

Today We Thank You from centerlinenewmedia on GodTube.

I wanted to share this video with you because I don't think any of us remembers to thank God for our lives and what goes on in them as much as we should. So I just wanted to take the time to put of this video just thanking him for what he has done for me!

"I free fall with arms spread wide, holding nothing for myself and keeping not the slightest grip of ownership upon my life. My life is not my own. I have been bought with a price. And I have willingly surrendered to my position of hiddeness in Him--hidden with Christ in God."

In the past few days, God has been laying a lot on my heart. In this particular chapter, on this particular day, I have felt more freeing with my faith and I trust a lot more in what God has in store for me. In another part of this book, Dana uses the phrase "drop off" from old ways. I took that as a parallel with blind faith. When I think of "drop off", I go to like base jumping, sky diving or cliff jumping. Being able to trust that you will be alive once you reach the ground sounds like our experience with Christ. Being able to let go of fear and reservation and rely on something you might have doubts on sounds so beautiful to me right now.
But that might be different once we are stuck in dry places but we NEED to keep reminding ourselves that God allows that barren feeling so we can become stronger in our hearts. All the obstacles and challenges he sets in our way is strengthening us and has a purpose! I cant stress that enough! If we focus on all those hard times, that is only going to stress us out. If we draw closer to him, he will make us realize that the drama and the stress we create in our life is unimportant to hang on to. He will redirect our focus on the blessings as significant parts to our journey in life. Trust, Trust, and more TRUST is key!

Chapter 8 in "Deep unto Deep"

This chapter was about communion; being close with God and feeling that connection with him when we think he is so far away. Our lives are meant to crave God instead of earthly cravings. Every time distractions come, we tend to think how WE can handle it but rarely do we cry out for God to take over and that's something we need to train our minds to do. In coming to God when we are struggling, we find our relationship with him stronger and more dependable. His love for us is always in reach. We can find his love when we are on cloud 9 or when we are so down that we cant see the light. His love is always able to be checked out!
I know a lot of times, I felt him so far away and I would ask "Why are you so far away from me when I need you?". But instead of that question, I should have been asking "Are you near?" and HE IS! If you can not sense God's presence near you, you need to evaluate your heart and maybe, it is because your heart is the thing that is far. I can totally relate to that statement! God is never far from us, the only thing that is far from our minds is totally comprehending his plan and all about him. But that is OK because with not understand him fully, that makes us wanting more and that is where we need to be like, desiring God more everyday. Dana explains that we need to ask ourselves why he seems so far away from us. It might seem that way because of our lack of knowledge of him and our doubt that he is near which I totally agree with!
Its all about how we look at our situation. We have to see the positive side and believe that no matter what we go through, God is near and waiting for us to come running to him fully abandoned and ready to follow him completely!

Chapter 7 in "Deep unto Deep"

Before I write about about this chapter I forgot to add something that I read yesterday in my Beth Moore study. She writes:

"He will always has purpose. Sometimes we go out own ways, and God still has mercy on us and shows us something there. Other times we beg Him to allow us to go a certain place and He consents. Still other times God takes us places we never intended to go. Those are places where he will reveal Himself to us in ways we didn't even know He existed."

I just like how she puts that. Anywhere we go in life, he teaches us. He will use it to reveal himself. All plans come out to show who he is in our lives!

Alright, in this chapter in the book, it talks about the barrenness that we can have in our relationship with God. We cant take that place in our lives for granted before he allows us to be there for a reason. He puts distance between us so our love for him can be made knows and that will make us stronger. Dana calls it fasting. In us feeling absent away from Christ, we have to rely more on faith and what we know we will learn to get us through our longing to be close with God. So this chapter for me was kind of a recap of what the book as a whole is trying to achieve.

I am getting so excited to finish this book so I can see what else God wants to teach me through more reading . . . God is just so good :)

Chapter 6 Meaningful Lines

YAY! I am half way through the book and I am loving it!
But for some reason, this chapter, as a whole, didn't really reach my heart. But there were lines from it that didn't leave my mind until I wrote them down. There are a lot of them but I would encourage you to read them and maybe they will impact you or teach you something. Here they are:

"To know that I am dark yet lovely is to understand my weakness, which is comprised of my sinfulness, my immaturity and my natural limitations together with the revelation of my loveliness to Him."

"When I lie on my bed at night and long for victory in my weak areas, He esteems my longing precious and receives my cry."

"We are far weaker than we realize and far lovelier than we realize, and yet even in our greatest weakness God receives in us more beauty than we can imagine."

"When He[Satan] comes to deceive me into taking pride in my beauty or strength, I respond with the vivid remembrance of my weakness"

"Our loveliness protects us from shame and condemnation, and our weakness keeps us from pride and arrogance."

"The enjoyment of God comes as we fiercely seek to overcome those weak areas of sin and compromise in our lives through the power of His love."

"Even when we fail utterly and stumble miserably in this pursuit, His pleasure over us is not diminished."

"He is not a God of fractions but of fullness."

"It is the one who is in this wholehearted pursuit of Him, fleeing darkness and pursuing light, that He calls lovely."

"We begin to recognize that our loveliness to Him is not based on our success or failure but on His own definition."

"He places dignity and value upon the very reach of our hearts to belong fully to Him. He calls it a 'willing spirit.' He sees tremendous beauty in our choice to move toward Him in the times when we would rather run and hide because of our darkness."

"Open your heart to Me. I know your flesh is weak, but I am moved with love by your willing spirit. The opening of your heart, the very movement toward Me as you are faced with your weakness is most lovely to Me."

"It is a sign of truly comprehending the heart of our Beloved when we reach for His love from the pit of our darkness. When we take this risk, we demonstrate our confidence in the strength of His love and the certainty of His enjoyment. Not until we have exercised this reach will we begin to drink of the deepest wells of salvation."

"We determine our nearness to Him by a false evaluation system and we deny ourselves the gift of what His blood already paid for in redemption. The truth is that He does not receive me nor deny me access to His presence based on my own righteousness but always on the foundation of the cross and redemption. Clothed in His own righteousness, I am given continuous free access to His throne of grace so that I might come boldly before Him with full confidence and complete assurance. I am set free by the blood of Jesus, and I can bring nothing to the table to motivate the heart of God into the response of forgiveness. He desires me by His own self-replenishing love that exists within Himself, unaltered by my response."

"The power of redemption was its glorious ripping away of the veil between the weak and the Great High Priest. He tore the veil in two that I might approach Him freely without hindrance."

"To keep myself at a distance is more than unnecessary; it is sin and one of Satan's most subtle ways of stealing from our hearts. When we do this, we agree with the lie that our weakness is greater than Jesus' work of redemption, and we stand in the way of God Himself by counting our own evaluation of our hearts higher than His. We offer Him no favors to distance ourselves from Him, rather we deny Him the nearness that His blood paid for."

I know that was a lot but I am happy to share them to whoever reads them and I hope one or more of these lines will teach something to you :)

2am Thought

While I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, I started to think of unproductive things. I was starting to think about my Ex, not in a "wanting to get back together with him" way but just thinking about him. I was thinking about his life and how I wish we could have been friends so I could help him. I started to feel guilty about cutting him off because I know he probably hates me for doing so and I pray that he does not put a bad association with Christians because of what I did. I know I can't worry about what he thinks or does because I can't do anything about it. He controls his own mind and no matter what other people do, he has the choice to do whats right and whats wrong.
Anyways, I was struggling to focus on God. I was having selfish thoughts and I was trying to regroup myself and my thoughts but it was hard. So I tried to focus on scripture and I realized that I need to have a group of scripture that can help me with worrying, pleasing others, fear, etc (anything that keeps me in bondage). I was also trying to think of songs that could help me focus and for some reason I just could not do that. With me being in love with music like I am, you can know how frustrating that was.
So my goal for tomorrow (other than homework) is to search for some tools to help me out. I think I really need to focus on lyrics to songs to relate to. Another thing is gather scripture to help me overcome this hurtle I am current trying to jump. So if you have suggestions of verses to help me or particular songs that could help me, please share. Any little encouragement will be greatly appreciated! I love you all dearly :)

Chapter 5 in "Deep unto Deep"

Dana paints a picture of how important we are to God. As soon as I read it, I could not help but smile because it refers to music. The question came up "How could he desire me above all the others and yet love all the others in the same way he loves me?". The way she explained it as us being many songs in Gods musical heart. Each person has a different song to sing based on history, life experiences and upbringing. Not one person has the EXACT same story. We all show off different parts of his image. He is so complex that everyone is different in his eyes yet they are all extremely important to him and his plan. To know that I can sing my song to him and for him made me feel happy. I would even go as far as to say that it made my passion to sing christian music more intense. If I never get to fulfill my dream as a professional singer, I know that my song will be heard in Christ's ear and that is all that matters!

Another really cool part of this chapter talks about comparing ourselves to other people's journey. We try to see if we are doing OK with how we are living life and if we are doing someone wrong, compared to another persons journey, then we assume we're failing. But Dana uses a statement that really stuck out to me:

"Every season has value, and ever day is a part of bringing me forward into the fullness He has ordained

 for me. I must go my own way because that is the only way. There truly is no option except to lose my way. To take the detour of trying another's path is just that, a detour. My heart was made for my way, and that is the pathway into His heart He has laid out for me."

I don't believe that regretting the path we took is productive. We may not be proud of it BUT we should, in a way, embrace it. We need to use it as a learning experience. I love this particular part in the book because I know I used to compare my life to others but as time went by, I took my past experience as Dana explains. If you look at your life as YOUR "designed" path, you will learn to accept that and take it as a tool to live the rest of your life the way God intends it.

Chapter 4 - "Face to Face with Love"

This chapter in the book I am reading, it talks about growing our desire to fall in love with Christ. Dana brings in the story of Cinderella and how the Prince loves Cinderella no matter who she is, what she looks like or who her family is. No matter what our past looks like, God is in love with us and he desires us to have an intimate relationship with him. In return we need to accept his love and desire more of it. In order to have that growing desire, we need to fill ourselves completely with him. She says "And this is a progressive journey for we can only receive as much as our hearts are enlarged to take in."
An example I thought of was when someone eats. When a person is eating excessively, their stomachs are enlarged and over time, they can take in more food because their stomachs grew and they have a bigger desire to eat. Now I'm in no way saying that overeating is what we need to do. I am simply saying that we need to treat our hearts like the stomach. As we take in Gods love and grow in his word, our hearts will have more capacity to love and to share what we have learned with others.
Something else that this chapter talked about was our willingness to come close with God. That is extremely important to realize. Recently I was talking with a guy that I was interested in but we had a talk about God and I asked this guy if he was involved in a good christian group and he said no. You could just tell how apathetic he was and was not in the state of committing to God. He wanted to just have fun. It clicked in my head that there was no way I could be with him and I could not force him to get close to God so we could try to date. Forcing someone into a situation that they are not wanting to be in is only going to draw them further away and our purpose as believers is to give them advice, love and support. We cant make them feel bad for not doing something. That's not a good witnessing tool. Let them do things when they realize it needs to be done. If they go only for you or for somebody else, its pointless and a strain on them and all they will want to do is run.
So that chapter was really informative for me and I am really enjoying this book. Please go get this book if you have not read it. Dana Candler "Deep unto Deep". It is a challenging read but its totally worth it!

Back in the Groove

Its been way too long since I blogged . . . 2 weeks! Unfortunately, I slacked on blogging as well as my bible studies while I was on spring break. Being back home was great! I did feel temptation to get back to where I was. Even though I'm not perfect, I was proud in the way I thought about how to spend my time and when I felt temptation, I prayed, opened my bible and dove into worship which really helped. I was happy that I was not thinking about my Ex as much as I was expected since I see his house from my bedroom window everyday. I felt a lot less stress and I was glad that God was with me and I really did feel him that week which was comforting!
Well I am back at school and its been going well. I wish I was back home but I am ready to get classes done and get all A's ;)
I have gotten back to doing bible studies which is nice and I feel more complete when doing it :) So all is good on my part!!!
Keep tuning in to my life and my journey and I love you all :)

Demi Lovato's "Stay Strong"

As you all know, I LOVE TO SING and I love learning more about the singers that I enjoy listening to. One singer that I have grown fond of is Demi Lovato. Short and sweet; she was a Disney star and a musician and to her own surprise, a role model. In doing so she was struggling with not eating, purging, as well as self mutilation. She ended up going into treatment and getting help where she found out that she was bi-polar. Now she is light years better but still struggling with things. Overall, she is stronger to handle the issues now than before. While watching her story, it made me really look at my own life. I have not dealt with purging or being bi-polar but I have dealt with other issues in my life to get through pain, loneliness and anger that are not healthy just like her. In her story, she has come such a long way and I feel like I know exactly what she is going through.
I am not proud of my past but I am proud of where I am today compared to where I was. I wish I could say that I regret everything that happened to me but I cant. I am glad I went through what I did because I would have NEVER learned what I know now. I never intentionally put myself through the ringer but I was allowed to go to that place of terror and pain so I can learn that I hate those places. I know the difference between my highs and lows now because I have been at both of those points. I know now what I can handle and how I should handle those certain situations. Now, I feel great! Like Demi, it is a daily struggle to not go back to where you were but it does get easier everyday. My hope is that one day, I can be 100% free and I think I can . . . I know I can and I believe in myself that I can! I was so naive which was good to an extent but I am glad that I know more now about life and about struggles of this world. I have been through some of them and now I know I can deal with them. I am blessed to be where I am and I know I can share with the world how I am overcoming these demons. That's what I want to do through my music and my lyrics. I want to express what I have been through in my life so people can relate and overcome their own troubles just like I am doing right now :) It is possible to come from the grave of your past and rise to the mountaintops of our future!

Chapter 3 Quotes in "Deep unto Deep"

I wanted to share some really great quotes in the book that I am reading. I hope they mean something to you like that do to me:

"Until we are discontent, we will never find ultimate contentment. Until we are brought out of our spiritual slumber, we will never find the corridor of Love's unfolding"

"It takes God to love God. It takes the power of God on the human heart for the human heart to move in love for God. He is the One who awakens love in our hearts. To seek to describe the journey of the human heart, we must begin with him, for He is forever the Beginning and the End. It never begins with us; he causes love to awaken."

"There is a definite struggle and a certain affliction to this wilderness as we seek to draw near to Him and are confronted with all the clutter and noises in our inner voices succumbing under the lordship of the Voice like many waters. Yet we must not grow faint with discouragement in the delay. We must remain in the stretchings of this conflict of soul and continue to wait for the breaking in of His voice of affection. We must find comfort in the fact that it is for this reason He has brought us to this wilderness; to find the Bridegroom's voice."

These lines in the book struck a chord in my heart and they inspire me to stick through seasons of dryness so I can come out victorious in Christ Jesus!

Chapter 2 in "Deep unto Deep"

Proverbs 2:1-5 says:

"My son, if you receive my words

and treasure up my commandments with you,

making your ear attentive to wisdom

and inclining your heart to understanding;

yes, if you call for insight

and raise your voice for understanding,

if you seek it like silver

and search for it as for hidden treasures,

then you will understand the fear of the LORD

and find the knowledge of God."

In reading Chapter 2 in "Deep unto Deep", this particular verse stood out to me. If I give my full attention to pursuing God and chase after him to be closer to him, he will honor that and reward my faithfulness. I really hope I can get to that place!! I AM getting there though :)

Barren Prayer

In the book "Deep unto Deep" that I am reading, I thought this poem was very powerful and I can really relate to it so I wanted to share it with you guys:

"A Prayer of Barrenness"

My heart aches. I love Him, yes, but faintly.

I desire Him, yes, but weakly.

I want Him, true, but waveringly.

Even the pain but lies within

I recognize to be such faint pain,

A mere discomfort next to the heart-wrenching anguish

That grips true lovers

My knowledge is nothing. My wisdom, infancy.

I see nothing as it truly is.

Eternity what is light. This life of earth what is dark.

Stories remain stories. Not sinking deep within my soul,

And scarring me with Divine invasion

Your cross is a picture, Your heaven a fantasy.

Tears are sweet emotions, moved by your sacrifice.

But not the tears of sharing in Your sufferings.

I say Your name so sweetly but do not know its Face.

All I am is far. So distant, so removed.

But you beckon me come.

Yet, my Lord, I am nothing. I have nothing. I know nothing.

When I thought I had something,

It dissolved before Your beauty,

And I was left naked. Possessing nothing.

Poor for words. Empty of all. Needy and alone.

Even so, my Love, call me.

Yes, do not leave me here but beckon me come.

Though I have nothing, though I am only poor,

I cast myself on your unfailing love

Where else would I go?

Whom have I but You?

I think even though we may feel like we are alone on our walk in life and not feeling connection with God, he loves that we stay along side of him even though we dont feel him. Dana from the book says " . . . what we call barren He often calls fruitful; what we call wasteful he often calls well spent." The days we feel like nothing we do will ever get us closer to God, it actually shows our faithfulness to him which he appreciates. Our commitment to him should tower over anything in our lives, over any stuggle that we have. We need faith that he will take care of us and our journey will be beautiful. That is something that I am now, slowly, starting to realize.

New Reading Assignment

Since I finished my last book, I am taking on new challenges. I am going to go through Beth Moores "John: 90 Days with the Beloved Disciple". I am also going to read the book "Deep unto Deep" by Dana Candler. I think doing a bible study as well as reading a good christian book will highly benefit me. If it does get very overwhelming, I think I will just stick with the Beth Moore study book. So please pray for consistency and my commitment. I am excited to see where this takes me and I don't want to ruin this chance to get really close with God.

I DID IT!!

I DID IT! I actually did it . . . I read a book cover to cover! I am so excited and proud of myself! The book was great and gave good insight on the lies young women believe and the ways we can change to keep those lies out! So now, I am going to start on a new book that Kristen let me borrow called "Deep unto Deep". I really want to finish this book and get something from it. I am starting to enjoy reading (SHOCKER, I KNOW)! Please continue to pray for me that I can keep this up and day by day, become a stronger Christian. Thank you guys so much for your support and prayers. I love you all and I will continue to keep you posted on my spiritual walk :)