I had the privilege to leave college this past weekend and head home for my 22nd birthday. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a weekend full of bad events, some poor decisions and pain in my heart and pain in relationships with people I love. I ended up having conversations that brought of past situations that is still not healed. I put up a wall that I wanted to hide behind in shame, guilt and confusion. I was and still am not ready to fix whats going on for several reasons. One being that I'm not really feeling in my heart that some things I do are wrong. I don't feel conviction. Another reason is plain and simple: I don't know how to fix it. Well . . I guess its not all that simple. If it was, I would be fixed and obviously, I am still struggling. I know the ultimate cure is Christ but HOW do I get to that place? What are the steps? I try to read and get acquainted with him but I never feel a strong connection like I used to. Its fallen flat but I desire a deep relationship and I know God has BIG things for me to do here on earth!
I am reading this book by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Dannah Gresh called "Lies Young Women Believe and the Truth that Set them Free". Its an amazing book and I encourage all women to pick it up. The basic summery of this book is dealing with lies that the world is telling women and it's all about breaking that bondage and commit our lives to the truth of God. I just got done reading the 2nd chapter and something stood out to me. It talks about retraining our minds to not fall into the lies we are prone to in today's societies. A big lie I have believed is that I am alone. Through my past, ever since I can remember, I have had fear of being alone. I try to please everyone and forget about myself. When people don't return the love that I try to show them, I feel abandoned and that causes so much hurt in my life. As of this current moment, I'm really struggling with that. I am finding ways to deal with it that might not be the best ways. Instead of turning to earthly desires, I have not FULLY turned to the heavenly one. So in the next few months I want to record how I'm doing so if you are reading this, Please pray for me and this journey that I am going on because its hard and at times, i don't know if I can do it anymore. So please be my accountability partners and surround me with support.
Love you Tiff. Don't you ever forget we are praying for you and for God's guidance in your life as you try to figure things out. This is all part of the journey. I think all of your sisters can attest to some serious struggles...it's just that some of us did not share them with others. ;-) It is through those difficulties that your relationship with your Savior will become SO sweet. Press into him dear sister. The Bible says seeks and you shall find, ask for wisdom and it will be given to you. Love your honesty. This is what living in a community of believers should be about. Our journey of faith is not meant to happen alone. Praying you find all you need in Christ. He is your refuge and strong tower...he is your strength and comfort. He is all you need!
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