Tuesday, February 21, 2012
No More
I don't know why I am having a hard time with writing this. . . I think I'm extremely frustrated, hurt, let down and just done with how I get treated by people. Lately I hate being over looked and I hate putting myself out there to be ignored. I decided to attend the bible study here on campus and it was a disaster. No one acknowledged I was there and went on with their regular friends. They made no effort to get to know me and I was the only new person there out of 13-15 people. Being new most of my life has made it clear that being new is extremely tough, especially when you don't know how other people will react to you when you decided to be the first to say hi. How will you know they will want to talk to you. I have recently realized that no one anymore wants to make serious connections with someone new. They are way too comfortable with their normal surroundings and they leave behind the scared ones to fend for themselves in a unfamiliar place. I am sure people will say that its not true but it is. I have lived it, I have experienced it and I have been hurt by it. Today was the last straw. I will not do it again, its way to painful to constantly put myself out to just be pushed away. It makes you doubt who you are. You think "What am I doing wrong?", "Do I look bad?", "Why don't they want to talk to me?". No one should feel like that because it breaks your heart. All you can think to do is cry and beg God for relief. I hate to say it but I feel like God is playing with my emotions. I want this to stop because its gone on way too long and I don't feel ANY benefit from it. I now feel like any good thing that goes on is just coincidence and not really from God. I don't want to feel like that but I currently do. Hope is starting to slip away and that scares me. I never want hope to fleet from my heart but I feel hopeless, lost, annoyed . . . so many things that I don't want to handle anymore. I feel in constant battle with the world and God and I'm starting to loose that fight and just want to live my life and take a break from God . . . Man I hate reading that but I'm lost and in a ditch and cant get out. I'm tired of climbing . . . I need hands to save me.
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Life is hard...I know. I've been there too sis. Making new friends, putting yourself out there. It sucks to be rejected. One thing I realized is that because of the fact that I moved a lot I could relate to people who felt lonely, misfit, rejected...so in high school I reached out to those who felt that way. Do you remember when I lead the FISH groups? The people who came were ones who related to me. Maybe you need to reach outside yourself and look to minister to someone else. It is easy to get caught up in how hurt we are, and get angry at God for not "giving us what we need". Is there a soup kitchen around? Is there someway for you to serve others? Just a thought. I know that doesn't make you feel better but maybe that will help you gain a better perspective. In the end our lives are to bring God glory and in our pain, our hurt our disappointments he is still faithful, teaching, guiding...even when it doesn't feel like it. He still deserves praise. We can't rely on our feelings to tell us what is true. Go to the Word...go to God. I love you sis and am praying for you. You have my number...call me!
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