Well . . . Less than 4 days and then I am home. It never occurred to me how much I was going to miss being with my friends from school. Wednesday night was "Senior Send Off" at S.T.A.N.D (campus ministry) and that was when I got emotional. Even though I am not a senior, I wont be returning next semester. My closest friend here (Alyssa) is a senior and she is someone that I hope to be best friends with one day.

She was the first to introduce herself and she has always invited me out to do things. She has a heart for people and I can see her passion for God. I just love her! Also all the girls from my bible study are such beautiful people. They are loving and sweet and I am sad that I have to leave them. But they are understanding of my situation and I am hoping to see some during the summer.

With school ending, I'm having to put a lot of faith in God with my future and I just want to do whats right and not have other people judge me or criticize me for what I do. I want to please God and that's all that matters. I hope people see that and can understand that's all I want to do. I want to make him proud and I want him to know that I will follow him where ever he leads me.

Pray for continual faith and trust and obedience :) God Bless

I have to get this out . . .

As of Now

V1

I'm doing just fine

How about you

It seems like you moved on

Yes, I did too

I bet your wondering why

I dropped you do cold

I don't quite understand

How you don't know

B

Don't you remember the conversation we had

Nights before I dropped your heart from my hand

C

I wish we had a different ending

than we have now

Can we change this somehow

I know how we are now and our love can't work baby

I want to be wrapped in your arms eternally

But we can't work as of now

V2

Know that I love you

I will never forget you

But we're two different people

You know that's the truth

I know your intentions

can be kind and [so] sweet

But deep in your heart of hearts

You could never handle me

B

How could you not see the pattern of my actions

You know my desire, I wont force you to have it

C

T

Oh, I wish we had a chance

Oh, I won't change what I want

Oh, it's tearin' me up inside

Oh, Oh I wish we could have one more try

C(2x - ad lib.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just needed to write this song to get some of my feelings out so I am not keeping them inside. A bunch of girls were talking about their relationships and my ex kept popping in my head. Plus we were watching a movie and it was all about second chances and I started to feel guilt about what I did (cutting him off). I know I needed to do it but my emotions were getting the best of me. SO, the only way I know how to help is to write a song about it. So that is what I did. It makes me feel better and it helps me get back on track! 

10 more days :)

I have 10 more days of school left and I am ready to come home for the summer. I am ready to get some money so I am not so broke :) I do have a lot to do this summer regarding school and work and decisions, etc. It is going to be a summer of pure reliance on God. I need to follow him even closer if I am going to to survive. I'm getting more and more worried about how I am going to do. Whenever I was home (for the past year), I got in trouble and it was not good for my family and myself. I just want to make the right choices and follow what is best.
Like I said, I feel closer than ever with God right now and I don't want to loose that. Every time I am home, I get nervous that Derek will be there. In my head I think about if I ever did run into him, how I would handle it; how he would handle it. I just want to be me and not be so concerned with worldly stuff. I'm on a great road and I see that my future is only going to get better. I'm excited for this journey and I don't need the distractions that will stray me away.
A lot is going on with school and with what my plans will be in the future. I feel like my patience is wearing thin and I know I need to stay positive and not get so stressed about it. My life is in God's hands now and I need to stay on track with being faithful to his timing and his plans for me..
I am reading "Hinds' Feet on High Places"; currently on chapter 8. It is such a good book and here is a quotes that struck my heart

"When you wear the weed of impatience in your heart

instead of the flower Acceptance-with-Joy, you will always

find your enemies get an advantage over you."

That is so true and I am the first one to say that I have witnessed that. We need to be constantly focused on Christ and have our thoughts devoted to him. When we do that, we have no time to feed our minds with the sins of our flesh.

Stay focus and stay faithful, my friends :)



Uncontrolled Passion

For the past few weeks, the intensity of my passion for God is strong. Stronger than I have ever experienced. Like even know, It makes my body tense up because I just want to be in constant praise. There is like a surge of adrenaline that runs through my body. That might sound strange but that's how I feel. I walk with my music constantly playing in my ears and I just want to stop walking, lift my hands and sing praise to God right in the middle of the campus. Man, I cant put it in the right words. It is incredible and I am in love with that feeling. All I want to do is give him praise. Almost every time I listen to a song praising him, I cry or I get choked up. I am overwhelmed with the changes in my life and I want to repay him with my life and with my service I can bring to him. He deserves all my praise. Even now, I am filled with emotion. I want to praise him so badly and spread that love I have with the world everyday I am breathing.
I encourage you to read Psalms 18. This chapter, I feel, relates to how God rescued me. Its a beautiful picture of how we cry out for God in our sinful ways and he comes. He does not love our sin but he wants to be the rescuer of our lives. He wants to lift us up from our valleys and mend us to health. I just love the details of this chapter because it shows Gods mercy, love and compassion for his people even if we seem too broke to to be fixed. It is because of that reason that I want to be in eternal worship with Christ. He deserves my all and that is what I intend to give him!

Breathe-taking!

Oh this song is so beautiful and all I want to do is praise God . . . I just love this!!! I hope you feel the same way :)

Facebook . . . NO MORE :)

Well, I decided to deactivate my Facebook. Lately, I have been getting emails and comments from people that are not letting me focus on whats important in life. It got to the point were I almost dreaded opening it up. So once I noticed that, I knew it was not good for me to stay on there. I will miss having contact with people who brought joy in my life and keeping contact with my family but I really need to keep my mind and heart on better things than what I was recently experiencing. So hopefully, I can survive . . . oh of course I will survive!!! haha If I didn't, then that would be a major problem :p

OH and by the way . . . I have only 3 more chapters in "When God Writes Your Love Story" :) :) :) Praise the Lord!

Not Culture Based

Chapter 11 in "When God Writes Your Love Story", had this particular quote that stood out to me:
    

"To experience a God-written love story, our standards for what we are seeking in a

relationship cannot be determined by our culture. Our standards should be radically higher

than the rest of the world. Not that we are going to be perfect or have a perfect relationship,

but we should be aiming our arrow at the right target---applying the very nature and character

of Jesus Christ in our attitude toward the opposite sex."



Leslie Ludy (co-author) describes a story about how women obviously long for that "Prince Charming" who is supposed to sweep us off our feet. Its something we wanted as little girls and we still strive to have that perfect relationship. If I were to ask you what is the perfect guy you have envisioned for yourself, what would that be? If you are married, think of what they used to be when you were a kid. Leslie uses this examples: treats me like a princess, sensitive, tender, gentle, brave, full of integrity, servant-hearted and honorable.

Who do you think can fill those standards in our lives?

Jesus Christ

I think we feel those desires to have that perfect man in our lives because we cant take the time to notice that God is all of that to us. When we look for a guy to enter into a life-long relationship, we need to focus on Christ-like characteristics because that will ultimately bring us the most joy that God intended for us to experience.

 





Desiderio Domini

Here are a few lines/quotes from the book that I am reading:

". . . endure the great pain, to find the great gain [singleness]"

"Not without design does God write the music of our lives. Be it ours to learn the tune, and not be dismayed at the 'rests'. They are not to be slurred over, not to be omitted, not to destroy the melody, not to change the keytone. It we look up, God Himself will beat the time for us. With the eye on Him, we shall strike the next note full and clear. If we sadly say to ourselves,'There is no music in a 'rest,' let us not forget 'there is the making of music in it.' The making of music is often a slow and painful process in this life. How patiently God works to teach us! How long He waits for us to learn the lesson!"

"True contentment can only be found in the intimate love relationship with the Lord, not in anything else, including a romantic love story. Singleness can teach us this contentment. In this season, we can learn what it means to have peace and joy in Christ, no matter what our circumstances may be. And in a culture that is always longing for something more, '. . . godliness with contentment is great gain'(1 Tim. 6:6)"

"A true leader must have enough backbone to stand alone - even when the crowd wants to take the easy road home. A true leader cannot be dependent on companionship for his or her security, but must learn to trust in God alone. Singleness can give us this kind of backbone --- courage, confidence, and leadership skills that any effective Christian must learn."

"Amy Grant used to sing, 'I love a lonely day . . . it chases me to You."

"Translated from Latin into modern day English, 'Desiderio Domini' means, "I dearly long to be with my Lord."

Not me . . . You!

I just had a thought fill my heart and I wanted to share it with you.
You know, all this time with dealing with how I handled the situation with Derek, I think I focused on the wrong thing. That is why I am feeling so bad about how I handled it.

Its not about me.

I cut myself off from him and after I did that I was telling everyone "I did this so I can get better and so I can move on." Which I don't think is necessarily bad but that's not the most important thing to say or focus on! We need to say

"God, I did this for you!"

When I say I did it for me, I am putting my wants first and our wants are always so fickle and they change all of the time but God is constant. He is never changing and he is always here for us. This is what I always said:

"God, I thought I was doing this to help me but its hurting me and I feel bad and I feel guilty."

Did you notice that I referenced myself 6 times? and only God once?
How selfish? My desires in myself need to be focused on the one that is most important and that is our heavenly Father.

 . . . time will heal this heart of mine and confidence of my Glory's light :)

Pure in Thought

Throughout the past few weeks and months, engaging in things that would affect pure thoughts were easy to maneuver. Trust in God for strength in the aspect of relationships and purity were coming very easily after I allowed him to re control my life! But we fail at times and we think we are invincible after we have reconnected with God.
We indulge our earthly wants with magazines, websites, and especially movies. Films that create this nearly impossible fantasy life of being in a passionate relationship where nothing goes wrong enters our minds and we hope that's our reality. But as for me, I watch that and I want to go back to a relationship where I was happy physically (holding hands, kissing and showing affection) but in my heart, never really brought me peace. That is not the life God wants for us and if we daily rededicate our lives to God and trust in his plan for us, we will have the most fulfilling life we could ever imagine. Trust and patience is what will bring us through times of loneliness. He will provide a life that will benefit his glory and we will see that a life without him . . . is pointless.

Our Actions!

"Most people never realize that the way we live displays in vivid color, for all the world to see, everything from what we believe in to what we worship and bow down to. You can share a message without ever opening your mouth."

I just had dinner with my friend from school (which was AWESOME by the way). We had a great talk about everything (no limitations - very open) and we were talking about our actions being such a vital witness to the world and then I read the book I am currently reading and this quote works perfectly with my conversation with my friend. Its true . . . Actions can speak louder than words!!

Day 21 in my 90 Study

Really cool passage from Beth Moores book:

"But Psalms 46:10 tells us what to do when we're not so sure where we fit in God's action plan. The psalm says, "Cease striving and know that I am God".

Yep. Be still and know it ourselves. Don't default into our past. Don't jump the gun for our future. Just behold and know. Instructions will come when the time is right. In the meantime, just be --- even though being is so much harder than doing, isn't it?"

Like you all know, I stress, that is the killer in my life. I worry about everything and its not very healthy! BUT I have to say, since I have been drawing closer to Christ, I am just going with the flow of life. I'm happy and I am try to stay that way with "riding the wave" of this journey I am on! I am so glad that that's what I am supposed to do. While we are waiting, we feel like we need to do something in order to feel like we are "good Christians". But sometime, God just calls us to wait and live life for him and see where he takes us; what doors he opens.

. . . something else that just popped in my head. You know when you see a movie and there is really intense music to match the intense action? Then all of a sudden, the music just stops! When that music stops, usually its to really get our emotions running with passion or excitement or whatever. It makes our blood flow to its ultimate speed.

When we go through life with all of this stuff going on like the intense music and action, God can bring those moments of rest and stillness in order to build our emotions (like the silence) and bring our attention to something really important he wants to teach us!

I hope this all makes sense because in my head, it totally does! I hope you guys are getting it! haha

What I learned in Bible Study!

Well hello everyone!I don't know if I have told you but I have been going to Tuesday night Bible Studies at school and they have been really good! I went yesterday and we learned about Matthew 7 - Judging Others. Well We were talking about that and I thought of how to apply that to my life. So . . . here is what I learned:
-I care a lot of what others think about me. I want everyone to like me and when I find out that someone is mad at me, I get stress and I want to do everything in my power to fix it. So, with dealing with my ex, knowing how upset and how mad he is at me, I came to this conclusion! When I care about what he thinks of me, I have to remember that he is judging me and my decisions without knowing what I am going through and what the meaning behind my decisions are. During our relationship, he always said "I know you better than you know yourself". So he is thinking that he knows why I stopped talking to him and he is making a judgment about me that is probably (99%) not true.
He has no right to judge me. He does not know what is in my heart and having myself worry about him judging me should not matter.
[I hope this is making sense to everyone because for some reason, it really hit home to me and its making me deal with this really well!]
So anyways, I cant worry about how he feels because that means I am caring about his assumptions about me and they are probably false ones. There is NO NEED to worry! YAY FOR NO WORRYING! lol

I am currently on my 20th day of Beth Moores "John" 90 day study and it's pretty cool how God's timing worked well involving this weeks studies. Right now, I am reading about Jesus death and resurrection and it happens to be the week of Easter! So I just though that was really cool how he worked that out!
In this chapter, it talked about how God died on the cross and about how we handle situations of either death of a loved one or some tragedy. She talks about how Jesus handled it and how we need to go about dealing with it. Even though I have not died physically (obviously), I have died from my old self into a new creation. There is a quote . . . actually 2 quotes I wanted to share from this lesson:

"When death of some kind comes and we are willing to take it to the cross, to remain nearby, and to suffer its grief, we will also experience the resurrection.".

-Something that stood out to my in the line was ". . . and to suffer its grief". I don't know why but I always thought it not OK to grieve in a situation like greiving a lost relationship like I had with my ex. It's OK to grieve and even another line says that guilt is a normal part of it too. Which I definitely have that upon me now. It's a natural part of the healing process that I need to realize that it's OK. Now, I should not sulk in it but I need to go through that and in the end, become victorious!
. . . here is another line from the study:

"And as a child bearing the name of Christ, if a part of you has died, in time it was meant to produce many seeds."

-That line just ties perfectly to the previous book that I read, "Deep unto Deep". Good will come from giving up a sinful life. With laying that old way down, we will become the children of God he calls us to be and spread his love to the unsaved people of this world.

I just got done reading Chapter 4 in the Ludy's book and the way these chapters are broken down (as of now), Eric writes a chapter or two and then Leslie writes some chapters. So this chapter was from Leslie. She wrote a paragraph that I wanted to share with you that really struck with me:

"Sometimes in a relationship, we can be so caught up in our feelings for the other person that we squeeze God into the background. It becomes a confusing, emotional mess, and we wonder why God isn't giving us more direction, when all the while He is there, waiting to be allowed back into first place in our hearts. Only when He is truly in first place are we ready for a God-written love story."

-That is exactly why my ex and I would never work. The word "feelings" is something that girls, in general, are cursed with taking to the extreme. We run on our emotions and don't THINK logically and biblically about what God calls for our love lives. That is something we forget and eventually suffer from. I completely relate to that passage in the book!

I hope you see how your love story needs to be run and if you are not sure, look at God's word and I recommend this book Im reading. Take action and you will be amazed at the adventure Christ takes you one. Even though God has not brought that guy into my life yet, I trust he will and I trust that God will make it a great love story to glorify his name!

God is so smart!

God knows exactly what to say, when it needs to be said!! haha I have no doubt about that. I was reading chapter 3 in the new book I'm reading and this part stood out to me. Let me just set the scene. Eric Ludy is painting us a picture using the imagery of God opening all the "rooms" of his life to take over and God is about to enter in the room marked "Relationships with the Opposite Sex". Eric is pleading with him to leave that room alone and this is what Eric writes next:

" 'God! Someone may see me looking like an idiot . . . someone who knows I'm also a Christian. You wouldn't want that to happen! That might give You a bad name!'

Have you ever noticed that God never loses a debate? God made it clear to me in His ever-gentle way that if He were concerned about His reputation, He would not have chosen someone like me to represent Him in the first place. And if He were pursuing popularity, he would not have allowed Himself to be hung naked between two thieves on a cross."

That part in the book struck me so hard in my chest, I was in tears. It really tore my heart. I felt like this was God saying "Tiffany, don't worry about how your ex is feeling about you or myself right now. Many hated me and if anyone hates you, rely on me and everything will work out for my glory . . . Just wait and see!" I do believe God has a purpose for everything. I truly do believe that. But my heart is wanting to plead with my ex to follow God. But I know all I can do now is plead with God and give him my hurt and desperation to help my lost friend. Even though my ex and I no longer talk, I care about what happens to him. As tears are falling from my eyes now, I want to pray to God.

"God, I am begging you to show him(my ex) your face. Show him how much he needs you and how much better his life would be if he let you in to take over. I am pleading with you to allow him to see the right way. I want him in heaven praising you and I want him to be truly happy within your boundaries. Please, let him come to you. Please"

. . . . Amen

"When God Writes Your Love Story"

I just got done with the first 2 chapters of the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I wanted to pick a book that could help me discover what God wants me to pursue in a relationship. With not being experienced, I want to make sure that I find the right guy for God's plan. The only experience I had was not anything to be proud of. I changed, I hurt people, I hurt myself and I hurt God to please this guy I loved. And because of that, I am dealing with it every single day. It's painful and I would never wish that pain on anyone because it truely feels like your heart has collaped. Its unbareable. Like, I wanted to marry this kid. He knew what to say, when to say it and he knew what to do to keep me around. He played my emotions perfectly because of how naive I was in being in a relationship. Little did I know, I was not enough for him. He has issues that I dont totally understand and I dont really want to. Even though he has hurt me, I really don't like talking bad about him because everyone has their issues. Unfortunately, I was mixed up in his and I could not get out. So through multiple times of leaving him and returning to him and wrestling with what God wanted from me, I finally had enough of this roller coaster I was constantly on. He said something to me that proved that he never respected me or really cared enough for me. Um, he purposely did something to hurt me and it was like a light bulb went off. There was no way I was going to continue a relationship or even a friendship with someone who would want to hurt me on purpose. So, I cut every thing off from him. There was no connection I left with him. He did still have a lot of my heart and that I wanted back. I prayed so hard to God to restore me and that is really why I even started this blog. I wanted to feel like I did a year ago. I wanted that passionate, lovestruck relationship with God. Staying with this guy would never allow me to get to that desired place. For the most part, I still love him and I pray for him daily but I am happy to say that I am not IN LOVE with him anymore. The desires of my heart have changed so much, its like a dream that I have been striving for for years!
I cant say that my heart is content with not being in a relationship now. I cant say that if I saw my ex again, I would be able to keep my composer and walk right past him without feeling pain. Because I know for a fact that if I saw him now, I would be a mess. SO, I knew that I needed to focus on what GOD wants from me in order to prepare my heart to ever be in a relationship again. I want that love story he promises us and I do believe he will provide that for me. So please, pray for this part of my journey. It is going to open a lot of doors that I promised myself that I would keep locked and never open them again. Its going to hurt but in the end I believe I will overcome this bondage and be happy in waiting for the man God has prepared for me!

Final Chapter of "Deep unto Deep"

Oh my goodness, PRAISE THE LORD! I have just finished "Deep unto Deep" and I am just blessed with its content!
Something that stood out to me with this final chapter is that we do go through trials and we cant escape it. As for me, when I go through tough times, I go running to God for a "quick fix" and not really realizing that hard times WILL come again. Its funny; we get help for a current rough patch and we get surprised that we have to go through more and more throughout or life. We need to keep reminding ourselves and preparing our hearts for more hurt. Its not easy following God and its not going to be an over night fix. Surrounding ourselves constantly with God is so important and it will help us not get pulled under when we are down.
Christ loves us so much and the purpose of trials is to draw us closer to him so we can celebrate with him. I am just so excited to have him in my life.

These past few weeks have been incredible! I can't even put into words about how amazing I feel because of Christ, my family and friends and the support and love that has been given to me.
I know God is going to use me in big ways; threw my voice and threw the songs I write and threw what I have gone threw in my lifetime. I am blessed to grow so I can serve him and glorify his name to the world :)

The next book I will be reading is called "When God Writes your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. Because most of what I went threw was because of a painful relationship, I wanted to read a book that can help me realize what a Godly relationship is and how we need to enter into it. I'm kind of nervous about it but I feel like it will benefit me and will teach me a lot to prepare my heart for a Godly man to come into the picture. So here we go . . .

Chapter 11

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

"To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time for war, and a time of peace"

Here is a quote that Dana puts in the book:

"Let me not rush about in movement now that You have restored my ability to move. I want to move with you. When you are still, I am still. When you dance, I dance. When you rush, I rush. But let me never move just for the sake of movement."

I want to make sure that what ever I do in life, it is all for God because he is the control center of my life. I trust his will for me and I want his ways, his timing and his plan to take over my life and my ideas!



Heal the Wound

I have 2 more chapters to read in "Deep unto Deep" and I am just so blessed to God provided the dedication to really learn things about him that I never had before. Yesterday, I was overwhelmed with the changes in my heart. I am just so happy because of the reliance I have now put on Christ!
Anyways, I wanted to share this song that has a special place in my heart. Its called "Heal the Wound"by Point of Grace. I actually sang this song in church a while ago and it has a beautiful message.
We all go through messes in our lives and we get broken. We get hurt and feel abandoned and we feel guilt with things we have done in our lives BUT with those negative things, God WILL take those and flip them around to help us and teach us.
The chorus says "Heal the wound but leave the scares". I never want to forget what I went through. I want to remember the lowest part that I was in so I can appreciate where I am now and know that I never want to go to that dark place again. You cant worry or stress about past mistakes or past hurts. . . moving on and letting go is key to transforming your life to who God wants you to be. Its not easy and it will bring pain but if you stick it out, God WILL bless you! So stay strong and keep moving ahead!